Words and spaces, sounds and places

Brentford FC in the Premier League 2021/22 – episode 7

January’s New Dawn Fades

Brentford 2 Aston Villa 1 Sunday 2 January

Back in balmy August we got a draw at Villa in our third ever Premier League game. After that, things were a bit patchy for them, and in October/November, ex-Bees manager Dean Smith’s Villa lost five in a row. He got sacked and is now at Norwich. He was replaced by Steven Gerrard, who has won four out of seven. And so the Happy New Year manager-go-round goes round and round.

Full of enthusiasm we strode to the ground for a 2pm kick-off. Sunshine on a rainy day as the drizzle fizzled out. As the teams lined up each side of the cardboard portal thing before kick-off, we could see that Villa’s away kit for this game was a midnight blue version of Chelsea’s home kit. At least it’s not the all too frequent all yellow away kit that Brentford and several other clubs have adopted this season.

Ex-Bee Ezri Konsa was playing at the back for Villa. Ex-Bee’s striker Ollie Watkins wasn’t even on the bench. Covid maybe?

Inside the ground the sun disappeared. The wind rose and pushed the clouds, buffeting them against the regular procession of planes descending towards Heathrow. It mirrored our efforts on the pitch. After a breezy start we were labouring, slower than Villa to every ball. So we were more disappointed than surprised when Danny Ings put them ahead on 16 minutes after a sublime drag-back and pass by Buendia. But we fought back and equalised just before half time – a lovely curler from Wissa.

The second half was all Villa in possession, but they couldn’t find a way through. Their frustration evident in Trezeguet’s shocking dive that later went viral on social media. Bees’ patience and effort got a reward on 83 minutes when Roerslev shot, the goalie parried and Roerslev shot again. Yes!

After the game we met up with a couple of Bees friends in the Rose and Crown in South Ealing. We let it all sink in while sinking a pint. We were excited yet nervous about how it was all going now we were at the half-way mark…

Port Vale 1 Brentford 4 (FA Cup 3rd Round) Saturday 8 January

A train to Stoke. Again. We came here for the Carabao in October. We walked to Hanley for a Spoony’s lunch, then yomped up to Burslem and just about made it in time for kick-off at 3pm. Vale Park is a nice old ground. Sit anywhere you want in the away end, so we were able to watch the second half with our friends once we’d found them. No programmes? They don’t do a printed programme any more but you can download one. Not a bad thing, I guess.

The Tree Stories sculpture tells a tale to a pushchair as we head to the ground

Robbie Williams is local hero/major shareholder. Bailed them out in 2006. And yes, they do run out to Let Me Entertain You! Lemmy was also from Burslem and a Port Vale fan and Ace of Spades is also played before each game.

Ex-Bee Leon Legge is at the club, but didn’t feature today. The manager is Darrell Clarke, a no-nonsense former Vale player and all-round good bloke, by all accounts.

Attendance was restricted to 9,000-odd to avoid the need for Covid checks. The actual gate was 8,069, 1,126 of whom were Brentford. There was no scoreboard or clock visible to away fans, and the PA system cut out so often not a single one of the announcements was comprehensible. At least the wifi was good, so we could track events on our phones more easily than in big stadiums.

In the first half we were good, visibly a different class. So much so that all the action was down the other end of the pitch, but we managed only one goal, smashed in by Forss on 26 minutes. We entertained themselves by singing our way through the Bees songs back catalogue, including the Sammy Saunders song (You are the love of my life…) that includes an offer dubious on so many levels). Sammy seems to be the love of Steve Pound’s life these days since he started playing at Hanwell Town. After nearly every game Steve presents Sam with the MoM champers… and good luck to him.

In the second half Vale were much better, more tenacious and had some good chances. So much so that it seemed the ball was never destined to come down our end. Until Bryan was unleashed from the bench on 62 minutes. Four minutes later he scored. Then Vale scored. Game on! Then Bryan scored again. Then Toney was awarded what I thought was a rather soft penalty. He very generously gave the ball to Bryan to complete his hat trick. What a gent. And it was good to see Kristoffer Ayer back after his injury.

Mbeumo’s shot is crossing the line, parlez-vous?

After the game our friends gave us a lift back to Hanwell. It was nice to doze in the back seat, warm and dry.

Southampton 4 Brentford 1 (rearranged from 18 December) Tuesday 11 January

We soon found out what Saints had in store for us

This game had been postponed because some of Brentford’s players/staff had Covid. For this rearranged fixture we managed to get a lift there and back. Could get used to this for any evening mid-week away games outside London. At the ground, I couldn’t find a programme seller, once again. And what with the slow Covid checks we missed the cardboard portal of doom palaver. But we were just in time for the taking of the knee.

The Saints manager is Ralph Hasenhüttl, who seems to have done a pretty good job so far, despite having no ex-Bees on the playing staff.

From the off, all 27,383 spectators made a lot of noise, not just us away fans. From the off, Saints dominated. We tried and failed nearly all game. The desire for us to play better at times led me to wish it was Brentford playing in the red and white stripes with black shorts that’s so similar to our home kit.

2-1 at half time. Could we get a draw second half? No, we continued to be a victim of Ward-Prowse’s prowess, save for a couple of decent chances near the end when it was too late.

Saints fans were full of song all game long. We found ourselves sandwiched between ‘We’re the Itchen, we’re the Itchen, we’re the Itchen over here’ and ‘We’re the North End, we’re the North End, we’re the North End over here’. And every round of ‘Come on Brentford!’ we belted out was instantly drowned out by ‘F**k off Brentford!’ from both sides.

All around the ground a phone torch starry starry light show glittered against the dark behind the floodlights. They were winning 4-1 and they deserved it.

As the game drew to its painful end we were treated to ‘It’s a long way back to London when you’re shit’. It was a long way back to London, and we were, a bit…

I bought a programme online. Lots of stuff about new owners Sport Republic, backed by a Serbian billionaire. Also a heart-breaking article about ex-Saint Sam McQueen’s fight against repeated injury and the toll it took on his mental health. And a very good Junior Saints section with perhaps the hardest Spot the Difference I’ve ever come across.

Liverpool 3 Brentford 0 Sunday 16 January

This is what you dream of when you picture a season in the Premier League – a trip to Anfield. And a 2pm kick-off is quite good when it still gets dark early.

We arrived at Liverpool Lime Street the day before so we could have a look round – the Radio City Tower, the Philharmonic pub (a Victorian marvel), Albert Dock, Chinatown and the Italian Club Seafood restaurant.

The Metropolitan Cathedral had a fascinating display about the Irish who arrived in the city in their thousands, fleeing the Potato Famine in the 19th century. They built the docks in Liverpool that at one point in the late 19th century handled 40% of ALL world trade. They built the towers of London, too.

It was also an interesting walk to the ground. Found a programme seller straightaway – card only like at Spurs. Great ground, great buzz outside, a bit of an anti-climax inside. We expected a bit more in a relatively compact stadium with almost 53,000 people sitting in it.

Tucked away in corner at the back of the away section we felt a bit claustrophobic. Like being in an observation pillbox. We heard and joined in with the minute’s applause for Liverpool legend Billy Liddell (who I confess I’d never heard of), but the acoustics meant we couldn’t hear much else.

Brentford played in white, a nice change from the usual away yellow. We played well too, at least in the first half. It was so good to see Rico back after injury. Our dreams of making it to half time nearly came true but Liverpool scored just beforehand. But then we started the second half well, too. We were playing much better than we had against Southampton. But once Liverpool netted their second goal it was all over really. And that would have been a fair score line. But another defensive slip-up in the 77th minute and Minamino made it 3–0.

We sang well throughout, some of the chants good-natured taunts that Anfield was a ground full of tourists (not Tories as I and others misheard) and ‘race you back to London’. Liverpool fans were chuffed at the news coming though that Everton had sacked Rafa – there’s Schadenfeude for you!

The programme was pretty good, not exceptional – authoritatively confident, like the club. On social media we were praised for not singing about Hillsborough. It’s sickening that anyone would.

Brentford 1 Man United 3 (rearranged from 14 December) Wednesday 19 January

This one was originally postponed because of cases of Covid in the United camp. And here we are at five to eight on a dark chilly night as the United players emerge from the tunnel of hope and slow-jog towards the cardboard portal of disarray in a pleasing away kit of blue top with yellow shorts.

The players fled the cardboard portal when it spewed forth the referee

Brentford were the better team in the first half. United gave the ball away surprisingly often, they weren’t playing as a team. We had loads of chances that even at that early stage we thought we’d later regret missing. And missing describes Cristiano Ronaldo’s first half performance. Love him or hate him, he did used to be a top player. Not so sure he still is. Did he always used to cheat this much? Some of his falling-over show was shown on social media later. Laughable. At least the ref didn’t fall for it much.

At half-time the big screen showed an interview with Christian Norgaard, who has just signed a new contract. Interesting stuff and what a nice guy. And with the continued talk of Christian Eriksen maybe joining the club, it’s… Onward Christian Soldiers?

In the second half United improved. Both sides had loads of chances. United took theirs better. Their passing was more accurate too, we began resorting to too many hopeful hoofs. We chanted ‘Live round the corner, you only…’ but in fairness the away fans sang and sang strong with a definite Mancunian twang, at least to my ears.

I guess the Bees players tried to follow the plan. They certainly tried to play. But it didn’t work, and some of them seemed off the boil. Many of the fans near us were fuming with frustration and disappointment. They’re devoted to the club but feel we should be better than this, even if we don’t win. On 67 minutes there was a minute’s applause for Pete Hayward, a devoted Bees fan and tireless charity fundraiser who had recently passed away.

On 71 minutes Ronaldo was substituted after a busy evening of falling over and moaning at his team-mates and the ref. By this time United were 2-0 up. Apparently he also threw a tantrum in the dugout, unhappy at being taken off.

Marcus Rashford got a third for United and Toney got a consolation for Brentford, in what was a bit of a missed opportunity of a game.

Brentford 1 Wolves 2 Saturday 22 January

Ah, nothing like a good old-fashioned Saturday 3pm kick-off, we all agreed as we settled in our seats. But the phrase ‘must-win game’ soon took our pre-match chats after three defeats in a row.

I blame the slightly off-centre positioning of the preposterous portal…

After the cardboard portal of nonsense there was a minute’s applause for those who have passed away over the past year. During the clapping I looked around the stadium and thought I saw a drone above the corner where the south stand meets the west stand, but it was just a plane descending towards Heathrow.

Brentford started brightly, lots of possession, winning tackles and moving the ball around. All seemed to be going well and there was no hint of the mayhem that was to follow. So, deep breath…

Around the 20-minute mark Rico Henry and Matthias Jensen both went for the same ball. A sickening collision of heads. There was a long delay before they were taken off the pitch, each bleeding from gashes to the head. Some fans went for an early half-time pint. Baptiste and Roerslev came on as concussion subs, meaning we could still make the usual number of further substitutions.

Wolves were better when the first half resumed. Bees had had to reorganise and seemed a bit unsettled. But only a few minutes later the more eagle-eyed among the crowd started pointing to the sky. It was a drone, flying over and around the ground, sometimes dropping as low as the top of the stand. The players were led off the pitch, cos them’s the rules. More fans went for an early half-time pint, some were going for seconds. At one point the drone disappeared, then returned. 19 minutes later play resumed. Wolves again quickly got into their stride and Bees’ play was more disjointed, so it was no surprise when the visitors soon scored.

At half time proper, many more fans went for refreshments, some for the second or third time. After half time the players and linos came onto the pitch, but where was the ref? We were kept waiting for five minutes or so, during which time the squiffy wag in the seat behind suggested a further return to the bar…

At some point a helicopter appeared and hovered around for a while, presumably as a drone deterrent. Meanwhile, back down here, Wolves resumed their dominant play. One of their players was red carded but it was rejected by VAR.

Ivan Toney scored. Jubilation mixed with apprehension. At that point I’d have settled for a draw. But Wolves scored again, what turned out to be the winner. Their goalie went into immediate time wasting mode. Like Raya did at Molineux when we were two nil up and down to ten men. What went around was now coming around.

In our section of the stand all was anger, frustration. I started humming ‘Let the Heartache Begin’ to myself. Some are blaming our goalies. When will Raya be back? Not soon enough but it’s not their fault. General defensive lapses? Tiredness?

Thomas trying to explain the ‘no dickheads’ policy to the ref

After the final whistle there was a melee in the centre circle, during which Thomas Frank got two yellows and was sent off. What a way to celebrate signing a new contract that keeps him at Brentford until 2025.

Oh dear. Four defeats in a row and a make-or-break two-week winter break to fix it. During which to hope Christian Eriksen finally joins and we get that nifty Forest player we’re after.

Next time…

January was meant to be a quiet month but rearranged fixtures and a cup game put paid to that. Games coming thick and fast is fine when all your players are fit and you win some of them. So here’s hoping for a successful integration of new and returning players, a boost to those who’ve signed extended contracts (Pontus, Norgaard and Bryan) and a refreshed mindset in February. And here’s hoping Toney’s silly comments about the club can be turned into a motivating positive. Come on you Bees!

Brentford FC in the Premier League 2021/22 – episode 8

February made us shiver

Everton 4 Brentford 1 (FA Cup) 4th round Saturday 5 February

Everton have a new manager. Not sure they’re right for each other, but hey-ho. We shall speculate on how long before the Magic Lamp starts singing a different kind of blues.

Couldn’t go cos of work. First game of season missed, home or away. Someone should compose a paean to those who go home and away, rain or shine, every season. Commitment. Dedication. Is their outlook different to home onlys?

But we will be there for the Prem League near the end of the season.

Manchester City 2 Brentford 0 Wednesday 9 February

The train up to Manchester, hotel check-in and a wander round. It’s been a long time since either of us has visited Manchester. It’s been a long time since we had to deal with such a long losing run. A long time since we’ve felt the loom of relegation at this point in the season.

We like Manchester. Memories of Afflecks Palace and all that. But these days there are many more street characters and homeless hopefuls than before. Meanwhile James Watt reads a book about steam engines.

Manchester bee images abound, not unlike our own humble bumble, they symbolise the city’s age-old work ethic. Not sure how hard City would have to work today…

As we Bees swarmed to the 7.45pm kick off under a blue moon, word went round that Ivan Toney had injured his calf and that Canos and Ghoddos would be playing up front. Gosh.

The Etihad is a beautiful stadium, especially at night with the constellations of bright lights adorning the massive steel framework and the flash motors in the carpark. Starry starry night. The programme seller also offers the club magazine and the club songbook…

No Covid tests. Concrete innards and a smaller concourse than Spurs but does the job with quick service and easy access to the spacious seats – plenty of leg room here. Through the clouds from the smoke machines, the energetic waving of big flags and the din of Blue Moon and something by Oasis I failed to notice the cardboard portal of silliness and I’m glad I did, though I did notice the wonderfully large scoreboard.

The only downside is that the away section is split over two tiers, which made coordinated singing difficult for those of us in the upper level. It made it harder to compete with the City fans, who love to sing and did so all game.

In the first half we were nervy, then competent but not brilliant. We fended off the best team in the world for 40 minutes, until Raheem Sterling drew a foul from Mads Roerslev and Mahrez pooped in the penalty. What a shame. Half time came and the PA treated us to some more Oasis.

The matchday programme features an interesting bit about Kevin Cummins, NME photographer and City fan who in 1980 did a shoot with Madness and still got to the game at Coventry by dint of deviousness. I loved the NME in those days. Everyone did.

The half-time Pep-talk had City ramping up the action way down the other end of the pitch. Raya was kept busy and just one slip, a fluffed pass that ended up at Sterling’s feet. Shot saved but ball fell to De Bruyne, who was never going to miss from there.

Wissa and Mbeumo came on. City went into cruise control, but there was no time wasting. Sign of a good side?

Scuffles on the lower tier at the interface of Brentford and City fans. Amazed it went on for so long given the huge number of stewards and police. Sparked I think by objects thrown down from upper-tier City fans away to our left. No one got thumped.

As we left the ground to the accompaniment of more Oasis, we were just grateful Brentford didn’t get a thumping either. As for City? No one can stop them now – coz they are all made of stars.

Brentford 0 Crystal Palace 0 Saturday 12 February

An even-muster-winner game if ever there was. Well, certainly must not lose. Need to halt the slide.

We missed the introduction of Onward Christian Eriksen before the game. Guess he’ll be making his first-team debut before too long.

One of the portal porters telling Pontus that most other clubs’ portals are plywood not cardboard

‘Palace have a plywood portal… pass it on!’

Palace are strong and tricksy, as we discovered at their place way back in August. They also have the brilliant but easily provoked Wilfred Saha up their sleeve.

In the first half some good football was played, entertaining stuff. In the second half Palace improved and we didn’t, a familiar pattern where a once solid defence gets rattled and resorts to scrappy clearances. We just didn’t look like we’d score. The fans instead started hoping we wouldn’t concede, we’d be happy with the point.

Controversy about the cross a Palace player handballed that the ref didn’t give. Funny how bad the refereeing is when you’re not winning.

The draw was a fair result. Our heads are still above water.

Arsenal 2 Brentford 0 Saturday 19 February

Twenty years ago a Gooner ex-colleague was forever going on about going up the Arse. Until one day some wag asked him if he ever took his girlfriend…

Patrick Vieira, who we saw at Brentford with his Palace team just last week.

Micah Richards has been getting some stick after saying on Radio5live that Brentford are overrated. I’m not sure who by, but he does have a point. We’ve long since stopped being the breath-of-fresh-air newcomer surprise package that beat Arsenal in the first game of this Premier League season.Patrick Vieira, who we saw at Brentford with his Palace team just last week.

In the concourse for a pie and a pint. All good tho small compared with Spurs and City. The telly tells us Newcastle only drew. We’re so happy, one of the shit cushions is still in place. This is what it’s come to…

Arsenal are certainly a lot better now, but still have a tendency to self destruct. A red mist (with white sleeves and white shorts) still sometimes descends and leaves its red calling card.

We weathered the first half but storm clouds awaited the start of the second.

Arsenal’s matchday programme has a lively community feel to it and the easiest Spot the Difference, ever.

A welcome belated patch of sunny blue greeted our VAR-confirmed consolation at the Emirates.

The clock from the old Highbury Clock End told us Arsenal’s revenge was all but in the bag and, well, we hadn’t expect to win this one anyway. Most of the shit cushion teams below us didn’t win either.

As we file down Upper Street to the Spoonies at the Angel I muse aloud that we might finish by staying up with the lowest points total ever. No one laughs. I am rebuked.

Brentford 0 Newcastle United 2 Saturday 26 February

Hanwell Town has a strong connection to Newcastle so opened their bar to Newcastle fans before the game, even though Hanwell were playing away today. Nice touch.

It felt like spring as we walked to the stadium, and hope springs eternal as we learn that Ivan Toney and Christian Eriksen are on the bench. Eleven games left and the season starts here!

In five minutes’ time they’ll be taking it down again.

But our new season lasted not much longer than the no-sooner-assembled-than-dismantled pointless pre-kick-off portal when Josh de Silva was sent off after just 11 minutes. And we’d started so brightly, too. Indeed it took Newcastle ages to score.

In ten minutes’ time Josh’ll be back in the dressing room again.

Midway through the second half Christian Eriksen came on to massive applause from all. To come back from near death as he has. Ivan Toney came on too, but it was too little too late. You got a taste of what’s to come with Eriksen’s dominance of the midfield and exquisite passing. You certainly noticed the whole team lift.

Before this game Newcastle were one of the shit cushions below us. Now we’ve become one of the shit cushions below them. Thomas and the players still did the walk around the edge of the pitch. Christian Eriksen spent more time than anyone applauding the fans and was the last to go down the tunnel. Does anyone else think he looks a little bit like Budgie from the Banshees?

Next time…

All this talk about going down, when there are still 11 games to play. Thing is, when you haven’t won for such a long time you wonder where the hell it’s going to come from. Well, next week at Norwich. Obviously.

Brentford FC in the Premier League 2021/22 – episode 9

Marching on with Eriksen…

Only three games for the Bees in March because of the international break at the end of the month and our swift exit from The FA Cup at the start of the previous one.

Norwich City 1 Brentford 3 Saturday 5 March

A lovely walk through old Norwich to a lovely old ground for a traditional Saturday 3pm kick-off.

The pointless portal here today was pink, which I don’t think I’ve come across that often. And it was way off position – half way towards the centre spot! No ex-Bees at Norwich, though they do have the wonderfully-named ‘Pukki’. And Brentford’s Sergi Canos is an ex-Canary.

Pink portal approaches centre circle in its excitement…

Each seat had a large blue or yellow card for fans to hold up in solidarity with Ukraine. It was well respected by both sets of fans, all 26,887 of us, and sure puts things in perspective. I’m hoping the familiar Brentford chant of ‘Red army!’ during the display was not intended in the military sense.

In the reverse fixture in November, Norwich beat us in a game we fully expected to win. With Christian Eriksen starting and Ivan Toney back, we were more expectant than complacent about this one. We played in all white, which made a nice change from the standard all-yellow away. We also sang and sang throughout both halves, though I didn’t much care for the dubious chant of ‘We’ve only got five… you’ve got six fingers…’ Ugh.

The green pole is carrying a revolving screen.

Around half-time there were a few announcements concerning Mr Carrow, which seemed to amuse the Norwich fans. Who is this Mr Carrow?

Jonathan Rowe on the cover of the matchday programme.

The matchday programme is called OTBC (On The Ball, City – though they weren’t much today). It had an interesting article ‘Seasons in the sun’ that describes the 1934/35 season at the end of which Brentford finished top of Div 2 and went up to Div 1 for the first time. At the start of that season Norwich had just won Div 3 and joined Brentford in Div 2; their first time at that level. The following season would be Canaries’ last at the Nest before moving to Carrow Road. Fascinating stuff. The junior bit (Captain Canary’s Classroom) is pretty good, with a nice and easy spot the difference.

It was an exciting game. Four goals, including two penalties. Two goals disallowed. Loads of yellow cards. We played well and we won! Christian Eriksen was inspirational, which made the whole team raise their game. And Ivan Toney got a hat-trick, Brentford’s first ever in the Premier League.

A whopping eight minutes were added on at the end, during which we chanted ‘Dean Smith is a Brentford fan’ and ‘Deano, Deano, give us a wave.’ Dean Smith the Norwich manager was of course Thomas Frank’s predecessor at Brentford before going to Aston Villa, the club he’s supported since boyhood.

Chatting to Norwich fans in the pub later on, we learned that ‘Mr Carrow’ is a security code: a flare had been lit in the away fan section concourse.

Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty, was born here.

The next day we visited Great Yarmouth, or Gee Tee Yarmouth as the satnav lady kept calling it. Interesting place.

Brentford 2 Burnley 0 Saturday 12 March

After two years of Covid and not a sniff of a snuffle or a sneeze and now I have the mother of all colds. A lateral test shows negative but I don’t feel up to going to the game and I don’t think it would be a good look in our section of the stand either. So my wife went by herself and I missed my first league game of the season.

At 3pm I switched on the radio and listened to the game, the experience supplemented by occasional texts from my wife and other fellow Bees fans.

Just as at Norwich the fans found a large blue or yellow card on their seat to hold up in solidarity with Ukraine. And just as at Norwich the display was well respected. Being towards the top of the North Stand our section had blue cards. Yellow cards were at a premium, as I’m told much fun was later had brandishing them at former Brentford centre-back James Tarkowski. Poor old Tarks. An excellent player but he did leave under a bit of a cloud.

As the game wore on without a goal scored I became a little apprehensive, given the Turf Moor tonking we witnessed in October, and despite the presence of Eriksen today. But then Ivan Toney scored with five minutes to go. Then Burnley had a player sent off and Ivan Toney got another in the fourth minute of time added on.

Burnley’s manager, Sean ‘Royal’ Dyche can’t have been happy, but I was. I ended up sending two texts, both of them read ‘YESSSSS!’, straight after each goal.

Leicester City 2 Brentford 1 Sunday 20 March

We drove up the day before and stayed in the south part of Leicester, near the lovely Aylestone Meadows and the path alongside the canal and the River Soar that goes all the way up to the Kingpower Stadium. This is Lineker-land – there’s a photo of him behind the bar at the Soar Point pub not too far from the ground). We had breakfast there, then went for a wander round the city centre.

Along with Norgaard and Jensen, Christian Eriksen has been picked to play for Denmark. That’s great news – his reason for joining Brentford has already paid off. David Raya has been selected for the Spain squad for the first time, Saman Ghoddos will be with Iran and Marcus Forss has had a Finland call-up.

But Christian won’t be playing today – he’s got Covid. Uh-oh. Tricky cos we still need a win or two to be sure of staying up. And Leicester have got some decent players: Jamie Vardy and Kasper Schmeichel of course, and Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall, whose surname sounds like a place where university students live, or perhaps a venue for posh wedding receptions. And we hadn’t forgotten how maddened by Madison we were in the home tie last October.

The King Power stadium is a good size and good-looking. It felt like the many pylons around were channelling power to the area around the ground and the 31,830 souls inside. Perhaps the power soothes and moderates the bittersweet of recent Premier League glory and the sorrow of much-loved owner tragedy.

Nampalys Mendy on the cover of the matchday programme.

A flick through a matchday programme that has a very good article on the history of Brentford, spoilt a little by the inclusion of a photo of Kevin O’Connor that is actually Mark Phillips. Newcastle made the same mistake in their programme last November. Is it possible this was provided and mis-labelled by Brentford? The Junior Foxes section is a disappointment, just one page and no spot the difference.

Even before the 2pm kick-off the Brentford fans were happily singing “Leicester’s a s*******e, I wanna go home”. Ha, ha, but Leicester is anything but. Have to confess we were surprised at how lovely it is. Well the city centre anyway. Romans, Richard III, lovely old buildings, history info boards and cycle lanes. All done very well.

What wasn’t done well was the banging of a big bass drum somewhere away to the left. I know, I didn’t think Leicester were that kind of a club either. “We’re Brentford FC, we don’t need a drum”, we sang. But we did need something. There was no bite up front and we kept giving the ball away. Outplayed and outfoxed, we deserved to be 2–0 down at half time.

Thomas Frank normally manages to conjure something up over the tea and orange segments but in the second half we couldn’t even get out of our own penalty area. Ominous. All of us away fans were standing up of course but the guy next to us could take no more. He just had to sit down, even though it meant missing all the action on the pitch. “Don’t worry mate,” we told him, “we’ll let you know if we ever cross the halfway line.”

Eventually we did. Quite a bit. Finished brightly. Wissa scored and a draw was on the cards. After the game we met some old friends round the corner by Filbert Street, at the end of the road where the old ground was and Leicester Tigers rugby now is. Then into town for pints, chat and the game on telly at the Soar Point. We weren’t too sore, I guess.

Next time

Reasons to be cheerful 1, 2, 3…

1 We’re 15th, with 30 points. That’s eight points clear of the drop zone, and the teams below have mostly caught up with their games in hand. Thank goodness for those two recent wins!

2 Rico has signed a new contract… will that be a confidence booster?

3 Christian Eriksen comes on for Denmark. Three touches later scores a ‘worldie’. And gets precious game time. Meanwhile David Raya gets to start for Spain – he’s a worldie!

Brentford FC in the Premier League 2021/22 – episode 10

April… and a spring in the step

Chelsea 1 Brentford 4 Saturday 2 April

This morning we got an email from Brentford warning against homophobic chanting and quite right too. Though it’s a long time since I’ve heard anyone sing ‘Chelsea Rent Boys’ and never at all in my time watching Brentford. Selective deafness maybe.

Yesterday we heard the news that Vitaly ‘He comes from Germany and now he is a Bee’ Janelt has signed a new contract with Brentford until 2026. Hope it’s not an April Fool wind-up. Last month Chelsea’s assets were frozen so they weren’t allowed to sell tickets, because owner Roman Abramovich is a Russian oligarch with connections to Putin. Luckily the ban has been lifted so here we are, on a tube train bound for West Kensington.

We walked to ground in the sunshine. Had lunch on the way in a familiar café. Reached the ground with 30 minutes to spare before the 3pm kick-off. We’d heard that Chelsea fans would be staging a protest against the possible future owners of the club. Don’t know if it actually happened.

No programme sellers were visible at the away fans entrance to Stamford Bridge. They must’ve been somewhere behind the masses of security personnel. Literally hundreds, dressed all in black with deep orange hi-vis. We were funnelled through the ranks of them like we were being swallowed up.

A crowd of 39,061 awaited the Two-Thomas-Tussle between managers Tuchel and Frank. Both of them good value in interviews. The stadium is impressive and the away section is very good. One of the best. We were high up in the corner of the all-blue-painted steelwork. A good view from spacious seats with standing rails behind.

‘Where were you when you were shit?’ the Brentford enquired of their West London near-neighbours. Well I was there a few times in the 80s, with my Chelsea fan uncle. When they certainly were shit – getting thrashed at home to Rotherham, narrowly escaping relegation to the old third division. The chant has a point. These fans are a different kettle of fish. Some say the old school fans got priced out, which is ironic, given that they used to wave wads of cash at northern away fans, Loadsamoney style. Maybe there’s a bit of what goes round comes around.

In the away end the mood was bright. Balloons – red, white and yellow – were launched regularly. Not to everyone’s taste and a fair few got popped. Meanwhile, down on the pitch, Brentford were playing well. Easily the equal of Chelsea and 0–0 at half time.

At one point it was only 2–1 to Brentford

In the second half Chelsea made the mistake of scoring. Or to be more precise, of losing concentration after scoring. For Rudiger’s excellent goal at the far end of the pitch was followed minutes later by one at our end by Janelt. It was followed by another three: Eriksen, Janelt again and Wissa. Every single Brentford player was brilliant. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing.

‘Fulham get battered, everywhere they go’ alternated with ‘Chelsea get sanctioned…’ and the occasional ‘Bus stop in Hounslow…’ My voice was hoarse for three days.

After the game we walked in the sunshine. It still hadn’t sunk in by the time we got to Hammersmith and stopped for a pint. Our tickets had SHED UPPER printed on them. So on the way we sang the Joe Dolce classic: It’s-a not so bad, it’s-a nice-a place, Ah SHED UPPER you face!

Ordered a programme online. Good to see Pat Nevin’s a contributor. Junior section a bit disappointing – not a lot to it really. Surely everyone would rather a spot the difference than a spot the ball?

Brentford 2 West Ham 0 Sunday 10 April

We had won the reverse fixture back in October. And as the 2pm kick-off approached we wondered whether we could do the double over the Hammers. Would be nice, especially since relegation cushion teams Everton and Leeds both won yesterday. Brings added piquancy to our game today as well as Burnley’s at Norwich.

Among the substitutes Said Benrahma is West Ham’s ex-Bee. Will David Moyes bring him on?

Kurt ‘Cat Kicker’ Zouma was booed and miaowed at every time he touched the ball. Whenever he went down he was treated to ‘That’s how your cat feels’ and ‘Put him down, put him down, put him down’. He was taken off after half an hour. Seemed to be carrying a hamstring injury?

West Ham had most of the possession in the first half but never seemed to threaten. Both sides playing a good passing game. Eriksen pulled the strings for us but the whole team played well. West Ham’s Declan Rice is a useful player.

After Bryan Mbeumo scored at the start of the second half, David Moyes did not look pleased – you could say he had a face like a cat’s arse. Ivan Toney headed-in on 64 minutes.

Seven minutes earlier Said Benrahma had come on to a standing ovation. ‘He wants to come home, he wants to come home. Said Benrahma, he wants to come home.’ But no matter how much he buzzed, prodded and dazzled, he couldn’t bring it home for West Ham, who before this game had hopes of the top four. A measure perhaps of how far Brentford have come.

We’ve just dealt the opposition a hammer blow

After the game we strolled up to South Ealing with friends, for a pint at the Rose & Crown. Where we celebrated Brentford’s first Premier League double in a spring sunshine beer garden.

Watford 1 Brentford 2 Saturday 16 April

We won the reverse fixture in December. Could the Bees do the double over the Hornets as we did to the Hammers last week?

In a perfect storm of London Underground disruptions and hordes heading to Wembley for the FA Cup semi-final, we decided to go by bus, leaving early to get through Wembley before too many Man City and (mostly) Liverpool fans had filled its sunny streets and pubs. We talked about the game, and about Burnley manager Sean Dyche’s sacking a couple of days ago.

We arrived in Watford ages before 3pm kick-off so had a walk around the town centre. Watford’s a nice place, though I hardly remembered it from my only previous visit, when Vicarage Road hosted an Elton John/Rod Stewart concert in 1974, and Rod was still with The Faces.

Andre Gray is the Hornets’ ex-Bee, currently out on loan to QPR. Before the game, the 16,861 gate saw the Watford mascot Harry the Hornet parade the outside of the pitch, except for the away fans section. I used to work with a previous Harry the Hornet, whose antics were often hilarious, especially the notorious Zaha dive. He hung up his costume in 2018. Watford also have a set-piece drummer who only drums when Watford get a free kick or corner. Didn’t hear too much from him in the first half.

The shadow is aligned with the portal and the players – surely a good sign

Norgaard scored for Brentford after just 15 minutes. Roy Hodgson, legend and Watford manager was not pleased. Even from where we were sat you could see the sleeves of his white shirt doing angry windmills on the touchline. Then Brentford sat back. A hint of complacency?

While Roy presumably waved his white shirted arms even more during half time, we perused the matchday programme. Square not A5. Had to bend it to fit in pocket. A great junior section as would befit the original family-friendly football club. A pull-out sheet with loads of quizzes, name checks and stat sheet on one side, and a poster of Ismaïla Sarr on the other.

Whatever Roy waved at half time, it certainly worked. Watford were much better in the second half. We were poor. We started to hear the set-piece drummer more and more. Watford got an equaliser, given after VAR overturned the ref’s offside decision. We got a late winner deep in time added on.

This photo lacks focus – as did Brentford at times

I and a few others around me actually felt sorry for Watford, who will probably go down now. I was impressed by the loyalty of their fans.

However, on MOTD highlights their goal did look offside. I can understand officials getting it wrong in the rush of play, but VAR? They took long enough…

Felt less sorry for Watford after that. Another Premier League double for the Bees!

Brentford 0 Tottenham Hotspur 0 Saturday 23 April

Unfortunately, we were in France for this one. What lightweights. But you can’t miss your life-long penfriend’s wedding when you’re one of the witnesses. We lent our season tickets to some friends who’d been unable to get any as members. They very kindly took a photo of the portal of potential victory.

We followed written commentary on the BBC website from a garden in Normandy. Some of the French followers of footie present hadn’t heard of Brentford, but they had heard of Christian Eriksen. We guessed it was gonna be an emotional occasion for him, and presumably, it was.

We watched the highlights on catch-up when we got back. And what highlights they were. Brentford had more chances than Spurs, Ivan Toney hitting the woodwork a couple of times. What you might call an entertaining 0–0 draw.

So proud and impressed with how we kept Spurs out and maybe even could have beaten them.

Next

The media is full of speculation that Christian Eriksen and Ivan Toney will each move to a ‘bigger club’ at the end of the season. I hope they both stay at Brentford, and I can think of several reasons why each would benefit by staying. But if one or both of them moves on, it’s not the end of the world. Eriksen has already helped us to stay up, when we might have struggled otherwise. And all of the players have improved under his influence. Brentford has always sold good players and then moved on and up.

Brentford FC in the Premier League 2021/22 – episode 11

May – It’s the final countdown!

Manchester United 3 Brentford 0 Monday 2 May

A measure of the power of the United brand is that the club isn’t mentioned by name on the tickets, nor on the programme cover. And of course, a visit to Old Trafford, like Anfield, was what we dreamt of on that glorious day at Wembley last year.

We made a May Bank Holiday weekend of it, staying in Salford, which has a much different feel to it than the City Centre where we stayed for the City game earlier in the season. We posed for pictures outside the Salford Lads Club, which is actually on Coronation Street. Surreal.

Old Trafford didn’t disappoint. It’s a lovely ground. There was a lot going on and a lot more Mancunian accents than we’d expected. Darkness fell as the 8pm kick-off approached and some United fans protested in the drizzle against the Glazer owners; a lot of green and yellow scarves. Inside, green and yellow flares and a mass walkout of fans planned for the second half.

73,482 spectators witnessed interim manager Ralf Rangnick’s last home game. Can’t have been easy for him. It was also Juan Mata’s last home game. Jesse Lingard didn’t even feature. All a bit subdued.

The programme was one of those big square ones, fact packed with lots of photos. It had a pretty good junior section, including a pull-out Legends of the North poster that some of us junior 60-year-olds folded into over-sized paper aeroplanes. Made a change from red and white balloons…

Cristiano Ronaldo was yet again the figure everyone loves to hate. Why does such a good player have to keep falling over whenever anyone gets within 10 feet of him? One missed free kick prompted a ‘You’re just a shit Sammy Saunders…’ which led to a medley of the old songs.

I could swear those goal posts are leaning backwards

United beat us 3–1 in the reverse fixture in January, but given our improvement since Eriksen joined, and United’s inconsistency, we were hopeful of a draw. Though Brentford tried hard we were outclassed. And we gave the ball away an awful lot. United’s first goal came after nine minutes, a class volley by Fernandes. To our delight, Ronaldo had a goal disallowed by VAR, though he did score a penalty on 61 minutes after going down following a Rico challenge. Hmmm. Ten minutes later Varane nailed it with a deflected shot.

We hardly noticed the protest walkout on 73 minutes. It just looked like the usual fair weathers leaving early to get to the car park. ‘That’s just embarrassing!’ we sang.

The final whistle went. We applauded Thomas and the boys, then filed out of the Theatre of Dreams, hopefully not for the last time. Meanwhile, the United fans seemed less than exuberant, even after this good performance.

Back to the hotel for some good old fashioned northern consolation. Meanwhile, the TV in the bar was showing an MUTV Ronaldo hagiography.

Brentford 3 Southampton 0 Saturday 7 May

Ralph Hasenhüttl’s Southampton have slipped up a few times since they thumped us 4–1 on that dark evening in January. By contrast, we’re a slicker, more confident outfit these days. The atmosphere in the Community Stadium was buzzing with expectation. As three o’clock approached we thought we could win this one.

We remember the passion of Southampton fans so maybe it was they who threw red flares/smoke bombs onto the pitch. Maybe it was us. I can’t remember now and I don’t mind them so much anyway. I even like the smell though I guess breathing smoke bomb isn’t good for you.

Why does the portal always make me chortle?

Southampton had more of the possession but we were really good. We were always in control and we made it count. Pontus and Wissa each scored within two minutes early in the first half and Ayer sealed it 10 minutes from time. Their star player Ward-Prowse didn’t get much of a look-in, and it was nice to see our own double-barrelled rising star, B-team youngster Nathan Young-Coombes, make his first team debut near the end.

Christian Eriksen – a player with ‘flare’

The chat around us was all Christian Eriksen – will he stay or will he go at the end of the season?

We had to scarper on the final whistle to get a train, so we missed the customary lap of appreciation. Though we certainly had appreciated Brentford’s magnificent performance. We are staying up!

Everton 2 Brentford 3 Sunday 15 May

So, ferry cross the Mersey. Bigger than I remember it…

We decided to make a weekend of it and got the train from Euston to Liverpool the day before the game. Hundreds of Liverpool fans were arriving for the FA Cup Final at Wembley against Chelsea, while we were on our way up to watch Liverpool’s local rivals. On the journey we both voted for Bryan Mbeumo as our Brentford player of the season. Who got your vote?

We checked in and walked up the old dock road through the waterfront hinterland. Dilapidation and renovation side by side. The scenery chimed with the state of Frank ‘the Magic Lamp’ Lampard’s Everton FC. They are in trouble. Either they, Leeds or Burnley will be going down with Norwich and Watford. And of course we beat them at home last November, though they did whop us in the Cup.

We had a pint outside the Bramley Moore pub while Liverpool were winning the FA Cup on the telly inside. Then we noticed we were right by the site of Everton’s proposed new stadium. Looks like a nice spot. But apparently, building it will mean the massive old dockyard/waterfront area loses its UNESCO World Heritage Site status.

Because of other fixture pile-ups and the requirements of TV companies, kick-off was moved to 4.30pm. Which meant that some fans couldn’t go. Consequently we were all credited with the cost of a future match. Which was nice.

A strong and determined Dixie Dean – one of the better footballing statues

Goodison Park is a lovely old ground, set back in time. None of that card-only payment nonsense for programmes here. We reckon it should be a UNESCO World Heritage Site in its own right. We were there early enough to see the Everton fans welcome their manager and players’ team coach. A right-old melée of fans young and old, milling around, willing their team to win. Singing their hearts out and waving blue smoke bombs around.

Everton reckon weeing on the portal brings good luck. We might need to try this next season…

Inside the ground, the atmosphere was big and lively, with plenty of old fashioned football songs. All that was missing was flat caps and football rattles. The players came out to a blasting of the old Z-Cars theme. Iconic time travel. It certainly felt like there were more than 38,819 people in there.

They had netting to protect them from Bees fans…

It’s also a curiosity of a ground. A giant net curtain separated us from the home fans to our left. And away players/coaching stuff have a different exit in the corner near the away fans, on the opposite side of the pitch to the dugout and home tunnel. I’m told this arrangement predates the pandemic. Not a bad thing, I suppose, as we got to see our heroes close up.

…it wasn’t enough to stop Bees players swarming.

It was an exciting game. Everton went ahead on 10 minutes. Shortly after, Pontus pulled an Everton player’s shirt in the penalty area but got away with it. Straight after, Branthwaite brought down Toney at the other end of the pitch and was sent off. Controversial decisions, but we weren’t complaining!

Brentford equalised on 37 minutes through an own goal but Everton went ahead again with a penalty bang on half time. We buried our heads in the programme for 15 minutes to try and put it out of mind. The programme is OK. A good section on Brentford but a bit stingy on the junior front.

More smoke bombs à go-go, as Everton smelt victory. But there was a double detonation of Brentford delight when Wissa and Henry scored on 62 and 64 minutes to put us 3–2 up. Unbelievable! Then to cap it all Rondon was sent off on 84 minutes for a reckless challenge on Rico. Rondon had only been on the pitch for four minutes, and it put Everton down to nine men.

We were in fine voice throughout but were still drowned out, such was the passion of Everton’s fans, at least for today. I’m told they’ve been a bit subdued most of the season. We played well, too.

Around the 80 minute mark, police filed into the ground to line the bottom of the stands. I started humming a reprise of the old Z-Cars theme.

In the aftermath of the game, results elsewhere mean Everton are likely to stay up despite losing. There were also reports that fireworks had been set off outside the Brentford players’ hotel at 3.40am the night before the game. But it didn’t stop us doing the double over them. Yes, Brentford –another double.

It was sad to hear that relatives of two Brentford players were subjected to racist abuse in the ground. I hope they caught those responsible.

Brentford 1 Leeds United 2 Sunday 22 May

All today’s games, the final ones of the season, kicked off at 4pm, with the Champions spot to be decided as well as the remaining relegation place. For Brentford, it’s a welcome spotlight of a different kind.

The photo doesn’t quite capture the lilac-ness of the Leeds away kit

Leeds are in trouble. For a while it seemed either they, Everton or Burnley would be going down with Norwich and Watford. But after Thursday night’s Great Everton Escape, it will be Burnley (at home to Newcastle) or Leeds (away to us) who join the already doomed. Leeds’ dreadful goal difference means they are in the greater peril. So, could Jesse Marsch, their new manager, inspire the team to one final effort? He was previously assistant to Man U interim Ralf Rangnick at RB Leipzig, so he should know a thing or two…

We’ve bought match day programmes for every single away game this season, and not one for a home game (we gave up on them years ago). So we treated ourselves to one for this, the last home game of the season. Mildly surprised to see it cost £4; i.e. 50p more than at other clubs. It’s pretty good though, with an interesting interview with Pontus, and a fascinating/funny top 10 events of the season by Nick Bruzon.

What I hadn’t realised, before reading this final one, was that the cover of every programme this season was illustrated by Dave Flanagan. A fellow fan had shown me his superb Eagle v Bees illustration for the Palace cover, but I didn’t know he was doing them all. You can check them out on Twitter: @daveflanagan

They can’t make out how to describe that kit. Lilac? Lavender? Shrinking violet?

Leeds started well. They obviously meant business. They thought they’d scored on 19 minutes, but VAR said no. In the second half it all went wrong for Brentford. Leeds scored a penalty on 56’. Thomas Frank then made a series of three substitutions. Then Ayer went off injured so we had to soldier on with 10 men. Sergi Canos scored a lovely goal on 78’ but got booked for taking his shirt off. Why do they do that? Two minutes later he got booked for a foul and was sent off. FFS! Leeds got their winner in stoppage time. Ironic that Brentford ended up down to nine men, just as Everton were when we played them last week. And it was disappointing to lose our last game of the season.

News reached the Leeds fans and then the players that Burnley had lost. Leeds had won. Leeds were staying up. The Leeds celebrations started with the manager, coaches and subs racing over to the away fans corner. It went on for a good while, slightly raining on our own parade, but fair play to them. One of their players even crawled from one penalty area to the other on his knees. As you do…

Eventually, the Brentford end of season celebrations started. Peter Gilham got the ball rolling by pointing out (more than once) that at no point in the season were Brentford in the bottom three (the inference being that Leeds had been). Then Christian Norgaard emerged from the tunnel carrying his small child. He had been voted player of the season but hadn’t played today through injury. An amusing moment when he was caught saying ‘Fuck’ when he thought his microphone wasn’t working. But Thomas Frank made it alright, when he started his mini-speech with “This place is fucking rock and roll!” At this point the players and staff and their families came out for the lap of appreciation.

Signing-off

In the past, in the Championship and before that in Leagues 1 & 2, we have always gone to as many home games as possible but selective about which away games we attend. This season we attempted to go to every single game, home and away, and very nearly succeeded. You have to take your hat off to those fans who do succeed, and who do so season in season out. They are a breed apart.

Obviously, in all leagues, not just the Premier League, there are some teams that are better than others. But attending so many games one after the other reinforces that awareness of fine margins, close calls, lucky escapes and wrong decisions all totting up. A differentiator.

It’s hard to believe this special season has ended. And with Brentford finishing in 13th pace to boot.

Bees are staying up! I said Bees are staying up!

My first London Marathon

Do you notice more runners on the nation’s streets from January to April? It’s likely they’re training for the London Marathon, which usually takes place towards the end of April. You are witnessing them meld into athletes, just as winter melts into spring. Most of them have got 16 weeks of this, with just a couple of days off a week. Here’s how it went for me…

THE STARTING LINE: Wow! A place in the 2006 London Marathon running for the NSPCC! A place at last, at the grand old age of 48! Elation soon dissolves into knee-wobbliness as I think of what lies ahead. In the next few months I learn that the training is a marathon in itself.

1: You don’t need any equipment to go running, just a good pair of trainers.

2: And some padded socks, blister plasters, support bandages, lycra shorts, over shorts, tracksuit bottoms, nipple plasters (hard to get off a hairy chest), breathable mesh tops, lightweight waterproof jackets, beanie hat, gloves, sports watch (with GPS and computer), sports drinks, sports snacks, glucose gels, jelly babies, heart-rate monitor, mobile phone holder, fancy water bottle, fancy strap thing to stop glasses falling off, iPod (best investment of the lot), radox, vaseline, deep freeze pain spray… Of course, I didn’t bother with a lot of this stuff.

3: Finding the right trainers is a big issue. At the specialist shop Run and Become in London’s Victoria you have to run down the street to test each pair you try on. Each time I do so I’m accosted by a guy selling magazines. “Big Issue, sir?” he says, smiling, as I jog by. While trying out the third pair I relent and buy a copy; it is a fundraising event after all.

4: My training plan is the beginners’ ‘just about gets you round’ schedule from my copy of Running Is Easy (no it jolly well isn’t). I realise I’m not even up to that, so I plan some pre-training training in the run-up to Christmas. My goal is simply to complete the course without stopping, without walking. I don’t have a specific time in mind but within five hours would be nice.

5: Pretty soon I realise that it’s not just about getting fit and building stamina; it’s about building mental strength, too. You end up talking about it quite a lot. The NSPCC is very supportive with emails and newsletters – they don’t want their jogging investments letting them down.

6: Sticking to the schedule isn’t easy and I expect/hope to come down with one of my usual heavy winter colds at any time. Sometimes I laugh when the schedule stipulates medium-pace, or fast. I’ve only got one speed mate, and it’s neither of those!

7: The organised training races are fun though: warm-up stretches at Eastbourne in a freezing gale; super-friendly Crumlin in Wales; the inspiring finish in a packed Madejski Stadium in Reading.

Halfway round the Reading Half

8: Sometimes it hurts: nipple rash, sore ankles, stiff joints and stomach cramp. The time I half-loped, half-skipped home like a child pretending to be a horse.

9: Laura (coach and sister) makes sure I do the training. Her 5.30am alarm text messages keep me on track.

10: As do the tracks on my iPod; I air-drum and sing as I run. Passers-by stare at the mock water station Laura sets up in the local park to get me used to drinking while running.

11: With two weeks to go it’s starting to come together: the training; the mental attitude; the sports massages; cross-training at the gym; soaking baths; resting; proper diet…

12: ‘Nothing tastes as good as slim feels’ I tell myself day after day over yet more porridge, bananas and pasta.

13: I collect my vest and number at ExCeL and start to think about the big day: how to avoid the need for loo stops; the mantras I’ll be repeating to myself, ‘strong, determined, focused’, that kind of thing. For once, there’ll be no iPod pumping punk classics to help me along, just the sound of the crowd.

14: I’ve pledged to raise at least £1,500 for the NSPCC and I meet the target with a welcome last minute flurry of sponsors at my JustGiving site. Fundraising is easier than I thought it would be. People are surprised into giving money to a lazy-arse like me .

15: The night before the race is all calm preparation: ironing my name on the shirt, packing, searching out safety pins for my race number, puzzling over the timing chip, good luck text messages from friends and relatives.

16: The big day arrives and what a day! We get up early to travel to Greenwich on packed trains, then crowds of us shuffle to the start. I do my warm ups while waiting in the queue for the toilets.

17: The start of the race is chaotic and crowded, the atmosphere friendly and expectant.

18: I really enjoy the first 18 miles: thousands of spectators smiling, waving and cheering as I settle into a good running rhythm. Some of them goading from pub doors, as they slurp mid-morning pints. Some of them offering handfuls of dolly mixtures and jelly babies; but I still never accept sweets from strangers…

19: In Wapping, the fun and excitement turn to pain in the rain. I see some friendly faces and give sister Laura a hug while running on the spot.

20: Somehow I keep going through the agony of the last few miles, urged on by cheering crowds. A well-dressed man, slightly the worse for wear, hurls abuse at us: “Bah! It’s jusht masses for the classes!” I think I know what he means.

21: The NSPCC said to raise your arms as you cross the line. I honestly thought I had. Elation and relief mix with pain and nausea. I feel great. I can hardly walk.

22: My time is 4 hours, 52 minutes and 41 seconds. No stopping, no walking.

23: I finish 24,212th out of 32,983.

24: I raise £1,746 for the NSPCC.

25: I’ve had not even a sniffle in four months of training in the cold and wet.

26: FINISHING LINE: Not one cold all winter. Something of an achievement, that.

So here’s to all you joggers, who go round and round and round.