This weekend is the fifth-and-a-bit anniversary of Shed Down at the allotment.
Sunday 2 February 2020
For a minute or so, I sat on the upturned water tank, sitting being something this fidget-arse does rarely. I glanced up at the new roof I’d just put on the shed, then down through the open door at the new floor I’d almost finished laying. A roof and a floor to replace rotten and sagging predecessors. I shivered with satisfaction; all I needed to do now was somehow strengthen the walls before the arrival of Storm Improbable Name.
Friday 7 February 2020
Although I made a couple more visits to the allotment during the week, I never did get round to reinforcing those walls. Oh well, too late now. With a full weekend’s worth of freelance work ahead, to the tightest of deadlines, it would be Monday before I’d be able to do anything about it.
Just before lunch, the allotment manager emailed all of us plotholders:
Hi all,
make sure your sheds etc. are secure – a storm is approaching
cheers
Monday 10 February 2020
Got the weekend’s work done but it took its toll. I couldn’t even muster a visit to the beloved allotment. In the evening, I got an email from the allotment manager:
Hi Joe,
I’m sorry to tell you but your shed blew down yesterday
cheers
I can’t say I was surprised but I did feel kind of upset when I saw the photos in the email. Guess I was more attached to this assembly of wood, screws and paving slabs than I realised. And now there it was, reduced to a scattered litter-jumble of wood panels and gardening paraphernalia.
Tuesday 11 February 2020
As I walked through Hanwell in the morning, the damage wreaked by the roaring windy blows of Storm Improbable Name (was it Dennis?) was still evident – garden fences, some over-leaning, some collapsed, and large branches part-obstructing the path on High Lane.
When I got to the allotment I found it strewn with debris all round – plastic bags, buckets and bits of wood everywhere. Ours appeared to be the only Shed Down, though as I approached it I could see that someone had transformed it into a wooden tent, with all the scattered contents collected up and placed neatly inside. It turned out B&B from the next plot along had very kindly made all safe.
Not ashamed to say there was a tear in the eye. Well, two. One for the thoughtfulness of our lovely plot neighbours, and one for the shed that was well and truly down as I stared at the incongruity of what was so familiar now distorted into all the wrong places.
And place is what it’s all about. The shed was the focus of the plot where we love spending time; weeding and sowing, chatting and watching wildlife. Then, there’s the shed itself, that we had built, maintained and repaired (but not very well, evidently).
Saturday 15 February 2020
At the allotment with my partner. We walked around the wooden tent pile that was once the shed and its innards, wondering where to start. ‘Let’s not buy a new one,’ she said. ‘Let’s rebuild this one.’
Sunday 16 February 2020
We wasted no time in planning the rebuild, and I swear to you I remember thinking that if Shed Down was to be the worst thing to happen this year, we should get it sorted as soon as we could.
Sketches were drawn, measurements taken, and gravel, sand and roofing bought. Excitement and hope kindled.
Friday 13 March 2020
Fulham v Brentford was called off. With the pandemic looming, we’d already decided not to go, even though we’d bought tickets. Too risky. It was starting to look like Shed Down wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen this year.
Friday 20 March 2020
My last day of travelling to an office. From now on I’d be working from home, if at all. As it turned out, allotments were allowed to remain open, so there’d be plenty of time to rebuild, and to discuss progress with neighbours from the socially distanced width of a raised bed.
Spotted two robins together! Must locate their nest and keep well away from it. One year I accidentally disturbed one in the prunings pile. I felt miserable. I bet they weren’t too happy about it either.
MONDAY 3 MAY
I probably say this most months, but May really is one of the busiest of the year, when the things of spring step into summer. You get lost in the cycle of sowing, growing, weeding, netting and harvesting, all at once. And strimming. And pruning. Seemingly endless pruning of plum, greengage and damson trees. These trees are pruned in late spring because unlike the apple trees they can get a fungal disease if pruned in cold weather. It feels counter-intuitive pruning trees that already have fruit growing on them. How much to prune? The water shoots and maybe a bit more, but not too much. Some say, never shop when hungry. I say, never chop when angry.
The one that got away
Today I’m on the ladder, sawing a big branch up in one of the greengage trees. One large branch gets lopped from each tree, every year, to stop them getting too big. The trick is to start sawing from below, so that a great sliver of wood and bark doesn’t tear off at the end. A trick I rarely manage.
From my perch I see big bumbles hovering among the blossoms of apple, crab apple and sour cherry.
THURSDAY 6 MAY
Sowing is now in full swing. No matter how straight you sow the row, the seeds will move in the soil, for the result is always a meandering line of seedlings. My Special Theory of Seed Dislocation describes the various forces at work here: bent gravity, the motion of heavenly bodies, dark matter of course, soil rheology, little beasties like worms and earwigs, subsoil water flow, and last but not least, weeds. I suspect that young weeds move under cover of darkness, nudging the sown seed out of line and taking its place. All this to fool the gardener into removing the sown seedling instead of the weedling. As any fule kno, if it’s easy to remove the weed, it’s probably not a weed.
Fat Hen weedling among parsnip seedlings
SUNDAY 9 MAY
Slugs certainly know the difference between a seedling and a weedling. Slugs are The Enemy, but I can’t bring myself to kill them, at least not directly. Yoghurt pots sunk into the soil and filled with beer attract slugs that then fall in and drown, but what a way to go. We stopped doing it in the end, after a few days it smells revolting. So now we just throw them over the fence. To be fair, they too have their place in the cycle of life and decay: they help break down all vegetation (not just prized seedlings); and they are food to slow worms, toads, frogs and birds.
THURSDAY 13 MAY
In the greenhouse, and more sowing. There’s no wind, not even a breeze. So there’s no flap-flapping of plastic sheeting, just the dipple-dipple-dipple of light rain on the roof of my translucent tent.
FRIDAY 14 MAY
I spotted movement in the tree above the hedge. I could see it was a bird, but not what sort. What a wonderful song it had. Loud, cheerful, yet complex. A song thrush perhaps? In a short while it revealed itself to be… a blackcap.
SUNDAY 16 MAY
The weather has been changeable. Lukewarm rain one minute, sunny sun the next, and sometimes somehow the two at once. Rainbow weather. Weird weather. A day of dramatic cloud scapes and blowy rainstorms is followed by one of calm still sunshine. And repeat. That’s the British weather.
MONDAY 17 MAY
The rain has abated and the grass is just about dry enough for strimming. Cutting wet grass is a messy business and damages the paths and orchard ground. In summer it’s a task that never ends but I really enjoy it. Which is just as well because what I like to call the orchard hay meadow needs to be mown before the first of the plums and greengages fall. Still unripe, they make a lovely sharp windfall pickle.
Strimming’s a mildly OCD affair. I mentally define areas to be quartered in sequence. Most areas will have straight borders, following raised beds, for example. Others will be like mid-western states – three straight sides and a wobbly one that follows a natural feature, such as the wildlife hedge (aka the rubbish pile).
So much fun to be had in the United States of Strimming, but don’t get too distracted. Three days ago these irises were sheathed in green, camouflaged in the asparagus bed. Today their beauty nearly caused me to mow them down.
TUESDAY 18 MAY
This morning I weeded in bursts between showers while keeping an eye on the enormous bank of gun-grey dark cloud in the south, as wide as the sky. When it rained I sat in the shed and watched as the dark storm rumbled with thunder and spat flashes of lightning, while sliding slowly eastwards. The dirty-grey colour of the thundercloud went well against the green of the trees above which it hung.
It was exciting viewing the edge of the storm mass when the sky directly above me was a cosy cloudless blue. Cosy enough for me to start walking home. And get caught in a torrential downpour…
SUNDAY 23 MAY
All of a sudden the big planters in our Local Traffic Network (LTN21) have gone. Put in by the council under cover of Covid about a year ago, now lifted out by cranes like they were weeds. Wouldn’t mind a couple of them on the allotment.
THURSDAY 27 MAY
Work has kept me away from the allotment, bar a few fleeting visits. A lovely sunny day. Chive flowers dancing under the weight of bees upon them. Graham says the air smelt of summer last night. And Graham has a very good sense of smell.
They made a bee-line for the chives
The sunny spell continues and the bird song seems more abundant and vigorous as the days lengthen. May is the peak time for the dawn chorus and maybe next year I’ll try to get to the allotment before sunrise once or twice for a couple of early morning performances.
Thinning out the seedlings has risen to the top of the to-do list. It’s one of the more fiddly jobs and always feels like chucking the weakest chick out of the nest, even if thinnings are great in soups and salads. This year I tried practising a more socially distanced approach to sowing to reduce fiddly thinning syndrome.
SUNDAY 30 MAY
Yesterday, Brendan accidentally disturbed a robin’s nest among the bins at the back of his plot. Six little eggs abandoned and the parents never came back.
The Last of the Summer Wine – old demijohns in the garden
Years ago, the only booze we grew was home-made wine, using just about any fruit or vegetable growing, or going, on our allotment. I even made rose petal wine as a kid. You need a lot of petals. Once I’d removed every petal from the bushes in our garden (no one seemed to mind) I started on the neighbours’. Of course, I asked permission (most of the time). It was perhaps the only wine I ever made that didn’t give a hangover the size of Hanover and out of all proportion to the enjoyment of the sip. Even my mum liked it.
There are plenty of recipes online and in books. And you’ll find nearly all the gear you need in your local Wilko.
We no longer make wine as such – we now have other ways of growing our own booze. Here’s a brief A–Z (or A–S to be precise) of them.
Apples
We’ve made cider a few times, but usually find that apple juice fresh out of the screw press tastes too divine to do anything else with. So, the only contribution of the apple to our festivities these days is as an ingredient in rumtopf (see Rumtopf below).
Crab apples
Crab apples on the allotment
A Swedish recipe in which 20 or so crab apples are washed, halved then steeped in a jar of vodka for a few months in a dark place, turning and shaking from time to time. You can make it with or without sugar – we usually do one of each. After two weeks (with sugar) or two months (without) you strain off and bottle the infused vodka. The remaining vodka-steeped fruit makes a lovely jelly-jam. This year we’re trying it with gin.
Cucumbers
A fellow plot holder introduced us to the joys of cucumber in gin. The cucumbers we grow are sweeter and crunchier than shop-bought ones and have a slight lemony taste. The perfect snack once your glass is empty!
Damsons
Damson gin is lovely. Don’t bother removing the stone-pips; too fiddly. Just pick, rinse, prick and pickle in gin – not easy to say after a damson gin or two. Add half as much sugar as you have fruit, cover and leave for three months. After the damson gin has been decanted off, the gin-soaked fruit makes a delicious damson gin jam, which isn’t that easy to say either. It also makes a super sauce.
Elder
Elderflowers scent cordials. Elderberries are chock-full of vitamins and make great syrup. Both are popular with wine-makers. I came across this recipe for Pontack Sauce in Richard Mabey’s Food for Free. It’s not really booze but it is interesting. Pontack Sauce was once a must in the luggage of every retired military gentleman when travelling.
Take a deep breath and: pour one pint of boiling claret over a pint of elderberries in a stone jar. Cover and stand overnight in an oven on a very low heat. The next day, pour off the liquid into a saucepan with a teaspoon of salt, a blade of mace, 40 peppercorns, 12 cloves, a finely chopped onion, some ginger, and a partridge in a pear tree. Boil for ten minutes, bottle and – here’s the best bit – leave for seven years. Seven years? A recipe too far, methinks.
Greengages
These go well in rumptopf, along with apples and any other fruit that takes your fancy. What is rumtopf, apart from being a lovely word? (see Rumtopf below)
Hops
One of our plot neighbours grows hops, supported by pieces of string hung from a large wooden frame, in a runner bean style. The hops are used to make craft beer. Haven’t tried it, but I’m told craft beer slops make good fertiliser.
Marrows
Marrow rum is an interesting concept that we’ve yet to try as it seems a bit laborious. In short it involves cutting the top off a marrow, scooping out the seeds and filling with demerara sugar and a yeast preparation. You fix the marrow top back on and when the marrow starts to drip, drain into a demijohn and add raisins. Fit an airlock and let it ferment, then bottle and leave for a year or so. Hmm, might give it a go.
Wasps don’t talk about love – they only wanna get drunk
Plums
These don’t tend to finish up in the booze production channel. But each autumn we do notice wasps getting plastered on the rotting windfalls.
Potatoes
It’s illegal to make potato vodka at home but you can find dozens of ‘hypothetical walk-through’ recipes online.
Rosehips
The only home-made wine we stuck with after abandoning all others. Sweet and sherry-like, and not too headachy. These days we either do rosehip syrup (more vitamins than oranges) or rosehip sauce (great with pork).
Get back in the dark cupboard!
Rumtopf
Friends in Southport introduced us to this delight. Use just about any fruit you fancy; dried, frozen or fresh. We go with greengages, apples and sultanas. Chop larger fruit into bite-sized pieces, and mix with the remaining fruit. Add half the amount of sugar and leave for an hour. Put in a pot, add rum and leave in a dark cupboard for two or three months. Add more rum if needed.
Sloes
Sloe gin. As for Damson gin above. After the sloe gin has been decanted off, you can use the gin-soaked fruit to make Nelson’s Blood. Pour ruby port on the fruit to fill the jar, seal and leave for three months.
Nelson, from the Kellogg’s 1966 Heads of Fame series, assembled by me after breakfast, aged eight
Sour cherries
If any are spared by wild animals, or by us (great with ice-cream and shaved dark chocolate), cherry whisky is the way to go. Stone a pound of sour cherries (I guess ordinary ones would do just as well), chop up the flesh and crush the stones. Add to a big jar, along with half a nutmeg, a blade of mace, a few peppercorns and a tablespoon of sugar. Fill to the top with whisky and put a lid on it. Two weeks later you’d be saying ‘What a winter warmer!’ if it weren’t such a cliché.
Trap streets, phantom settlements and fictitious book entries
Rainy childhood afternoons found me gazing at Ordnance Survey maps, giddily tracing paths across pale brown contour lines that were dramatically close-bunched for hills and gorges, or meandering far apart in wide, gentle valleys.
Nowadays I join fellow cartophiles online, where I recently went down a rabbit hole only to discover that some roads and places on maps aren’t real, but fictitious, inserted deliberately. I was stopped in my tracks. Then my still childlike imagination swung into action. If it’s on a map, it must be real. So where are these places? Who lives there? Are they portals to parallel universes? Perhaps, for I’ve since discovered several stories featuring trap streets or phantom settlements.
In the Doctor Who episode ‘Face the Raven’, alien refugees hide in a London alley invisible to passers-by. Anyone noticing it on a map would assume it’s a trap street. The Doctor saves the refugees by searching for trap streets on a street map.
Truth is, map publishers include fictitious streets to discourage and prove copyright infringement. In 2005, the Geographers’ A-Z Map Company claimed there are “about 100” trap streets in the London A-Z Street atlas.
One phantom settlement even became real. Agloe was a fictional trap hamlet marked at a road junction on a map of New York State. In the 1950s, a shop was built there, named Agloe General Store because ‘Agloe’ is the word the builders saw marked on the map.
Copyright infringement prosecutions rarely succeed. Even if a map is eligible for copyright, courts usually decide that fictitious entries aren’t. Prosecutions are more successful when the map maker changes the depiction of an existing street instead. In 2001, the Automobile Association settled out of court for £20 million after copying Ordnance Survey maps. No fictitious entries were involved, the Ordnance Survey protected its copyright by using specific style features such as varying road widths.
Not using trap streets on maps also avoids the risk of interfering with road users’ navigation and sending them down non-existent roads and perhaps even into other dimensions.
Fictitious entries also occur in reference books, which often contain fake entries either as humorous hoaxes or to deter plagiarism. Again, legal action rarely succeeds. The Trivia Encyclopedia deliberatelyincluded false information about TV detective Columbo and then unsuccessfully sued Trivial Pursuit, who had copied it.
Fake entries in books are often called ‘mountweazels’ after Lillian Virginia Mountweazel, herself a fake entry in the 1975 edition of the New Columbia Encyclopedia. The entry stated that she was born in 1942, photographed unusual subjects such as New York City buses, Paris cemeteries and rural American mailboxes, and died aged 31 in an explosion while on assignment for Combustibles magazine. She even has a Facebook page.
Probably the most well-known fake entries in serious reference works are:
Zzxjoanw: a Maori drum.Rumbled because Maori does not use J, X or Z.
Jungftak: a Persian bird – the male has just one wing, on the right, and the female one on the left. Too far-fetched, even for me.
Esquivalience: wilful avoidance of one’s official responsibilities. Certain politicians spring to mind – I’ll be keeping an eye out for this one.
This article was originally posted in 2021 in the blog section of the website run by my colleagues at Accuracy Matters: Accuracy Matters | Home
Play-offs! Who needs them? Exciting for the neutral and the winner of the final. Stress-filled nightmare for the fans of the three clubs that miss out. But better than not being in them at all, I guess. Brentford’s play-off history is pretty dismal. Up till now, the Bees had been in many, successful in none.
Disappointment haunted all our teams
We still remember the long trudge back to Hanwell after the Wembley disappointment v Yeovil in 2013. It was a relief to get automatic promotion to the Championship the following year and no big surprise to miss out in a further two play-offs in a bid to get to the Prem. But this time? Could we break the jinx? Many of us thought we might have a chance if we could somehow avoid Swansea and their dark arts.
Bring it on!
AFC Bournemouth at the new stadium – 22 May 2021
Tickets printed. Boiled sweets packed. Facemasks located. Bring on Bournemouth! Our second ever visit to the new Brentford Community stadium brought more comparisons with Griffin Park, and stirred up more memories that had lain dormant during lockdown and iFollow football on TV. Interesting to hear that bricks from the old stadium were incorporated into the North Stand (which is where our new seats are) at the new stadium. Nice touch.
The new stadium is configured at a similar angle to the old one, and our seat is in a similar location as in the old one. So airplanes approaching Heathrow still rise to our left and set to our right in stately procession. Another nice touch.
Before kick-off Thomas Frank jogged a lap of the pitch, exhorting the 4,000 socially-distanced (sort of) fans to make more noise.
Thomas the Frank engine celebrates with the fans
Although we’d done the double over Bournemouth in the league, they were 1–0 up from the first leg of this play-off semi-final. We were apprehensive, even more so when Bournemouth scored after five minutes. Then Ivan Toney put away a penalty in his trademark cool way to equalise. On 28 minutes, ex-Brentford Chris Mepham brought down our beloved Bryan. Poor old Mepham. Final score: Brentford 3 Bournemouth 1. We’d made it to the final! Frank and the players toured the pitch, applauding the fans. We applauded back. Emotional.
It’s beautiful…
Swansea City at Wembley – 29 May 2021
Inevitably it had to be bloody Swansea, didn’t it? Both league games had been 1–1 draws. Both had been tough, physical and niggly. Another social-distancing affair, with 11,689 fans allowed into a 90,000 capacity Wembley. Brentford played magnificently, with first-half goals by Toney and Marcondes. But where were the Swansea players today? Well, one of them, Jay Fulton was in the dressing room, sent off in the second half.
Is it really true?
I looked up at the scoreboard to check it had really happened. I looked up at the Wembley Arch overhead and sang ‘It’s beautiful… like a rainbow’ in my best Family Guy Peter Griffin voice. We watched the team and staff celebrate on the other side of the pitch and joined in with ‘Bus stop in Hounslow. We’re just a bus stop in Hounslow…’ a version of the chant QPR fans used to taunt us with, that we made our own.
Voices hoarse and a jubilant spring in the step as we left the stadium and wandered around the streets in a daze. Didn’t we have a lovely time, the day we went to Wembley?
Pre-season friendlies
We’ve been to very few pre-season friendlies over the years. So the games away to AFC Wimbledon and Boreham Wood passed us by.
Man Utd 2 Brentford 2– 28 July 2021
But we did watch Man U 2 Brentford 2 on MUTV in our local pub. Only a friendly but a great game and four cracking goals. Come on you Bees!
Brentford 2 Valencia 1– 7 August 2021
We weren’t able to make the friendly at home to West Ham on 31 July. Sods law that Benrahma would score the winner for West Ham but good luck to him. But we weren’t going to pass up the opportunity to see Valencia, and the very funny Korrupt FM take over. A good omen for the new stadium: I got the number of ‘better’s right before the ‘oooh!’ in Hey Jude. Get in!
The game gets under way. We score… VAR?! Wasn’t expecting that in a friendly! Next time an incident went to VAR there was the woooooh build-up home fans do to an away team keeper about to take a goal kick. I wonder if betting sites will soon advertise in-woooh betting on what the VAR decision will be?
It was all about the occasion, really. It was a good game but Valencia weren’t over-exerting themselves.
Goodbyes and hellos
Among those leaving Brentford were Henrik Dalsgaard, a personal favourite. Emiliano Marcondes, scorer of the second goal at Wembley, also went and is now at Bournemouth. We wish them both well. In a sense they’re still with us – they’ve joined the extended family of ex-players now at other clubs. Some might be surprised at how many of our old boys are at other Premiership clubs.
Of those joining, Kristoffer Ajer and Frank Onyeka stand out. There’s even a Frank song already. Yoane Wissa looks like a good signing.
View from our old seats at Griffin Park
There have no doubt been many comings and goings in the spectating squad too. Many new arrivals, of course, but not much clarity about some of the old faces who inhabited our part of the New Road stand at Griffin Park. We’ve clocked Uncle J and The Absent-minded Character Actor at our new home. And Mr Greatcoat, who would rattle a triangle whenever we got a corner. But so far no sign of Whirling Dervish, Old Misery Guts or Pottymouth.
Next time: Brentford take on Arsenal, Crystal Palace, Forest Green Rovers and Aston Villa.
The first Premiership game of the season. Our first top-flight game since handlebar moustaches went out of fashion. An emotional time for fans of all clubs as stadiums welcomed everyone back after more than a year of nearly every match played behind closed doors.
For Brentford, the feeling was even more intense, with the additional heady cocktail of promotion to the biggest league in the world, and departure from one of the loveliest grounds in the world.
Sergei Canos scored for Brentford on 22 minutes. We erupted. ‘Hey-ay Sergi! Ooh ah! I wanna know-oh-oh, how d’you score that goal?’
There was a minute’s applause for Robert Rowan at 28 minutes. He was technical director at Brentford and died three years ago, when he was only 28.
Norgaard got the second goal on 73 minutes, after clever positioning by Pontus and abysmal defending by Arsenal. It was good to see fans of both clubs applaud Saka when Arsenal brought him on, after all the bad stuff that he went through after the Euros final.
It seems Brentford is doing all it can to involve the fans and make it loud. So they must think it makes a difference. Not that they needed to do much on this joyous and emotional evening.
But where were Arsenal? Dunno, but we knew where Brentford were… ‘We are top of the league, I said we are top of the league’, we sang. Because, for 15 hours or so, we really were top of the league.
Crystal Palace 0 Brentford 0 – Saturday 21 August 2021
Palace programme
All I knew about Palace fans before this game was that Mark Steele is one, and so is a bloke I used to work with. They say the away fans love a sing-song. So much so that they are always offering to sing one for you. Oh, and the unlikely rivalry with Brighton.
The journey there was much quicker and easier than we expected. Train from Brentford, quick change at Clapham Junction, then non-stop to Selhurst Park and a 10-minute walk to the ground. There was an old piano in one of the station passages. Inspired fly tipping or street art? We walked past Selhurst Railway Club, a yesteryear drinking establishment.
I want that shirt
It’s an old fashioned stadium too, with no clock or scoreboard visible to away fans, never mind a screen showing replays and all that. In the away fans section there was very little leg room, just like in the old days. But it didn’t matter, we were all stood up throughout the game anyway, singing our little hearts out.
Colour co-ordinated and everything
The home fans at each end were each given a blue or red flag to wave, coordinated to give alternate vertical red and blue stripes. These were waved before the start of the game. Hmm. Maybe it’s a first home game of the season thing? It was also the first home game for Palace’s new manager, the Arsenal legend Patrick Vieira. Good luck to him, he might need it.
But… Wot! No eagle? Kayla the American Bald Eagle would fly across the stadium before each home game but sadly passed away last year.
Palace have a drummer, behind the goal at the singing end. He is surrounded by a phalanx of mates who sometimes bounce up and down in time to his drumming. It’s a bit weird, not quite a pogo. But it did amuse the Brentford fans.
Wonder how many Eagle-eyed fans noticed the three factual errors in the match day programme snippet about Brentford’s previous game. The result was wrong, the venue was wrong and the date was wrong. Apart from that…
Brentford more than held their own in a game that only came to life near the end, when Palace missed a few good chances. Palace seemed subdued, and so did their fans. None of them Glad All Over.
Thomas applauds Bees fans. We applaud back.
Once out of the ground we rambled northwards through the streets of south London and had a posh pub pint in Streatham.
Brentford 3 Forest Green Rovers 1 – Tuesday 24 August 2021 [EFL Cup aka Carabao Cup]
Big queues trying to get in because of problems with the new turnstiles. So we missed the first four minutes. One of many glitches at the moment along with problems with ticketing and ticket delivery. At least the club communicates well.
We might have been better off missing the entire first half… Brentford’s play was stuttered, disjointed. We gave the ball away a lot. Even our singing wasn’t together. FGR deserved to be 1–0 up at half time. Only a few of our first team regulars were playing, but most of the rest of the side that started tonight usually come on at some point so it wasn’t that weakened a side that FGR were matching man for man.
Overheard in the row behind at half time. ‘So where is Forest Green?’ asked one. Good question. ‘Somewhere around London, I think’ said another. ‘Isn’t it in Birmingham?’ said yet another. There was also mention of their number 3, who has very thick thighs, which is maybe why he’d rolled his shorts up on the inside so they looked like short-shorts. Like Aussie rules players wear.
In the second half Brentford were better. We gradually brought on the big guns. Normal chanting resumed. Final score 3–1 to the Bees.
FGR are eco-friendly and sustainable, rumoured to mark pitches with hummus not paint. Match day grub is all vegan. The kit they wore tonight was a cool green with a few black camouflage markings. They’re near the top of League 2 and play very good football. Reckon they’ll get promoted before long.
Oh, and Forest Green is in Nailsworth. To my shame I don’t know where that is either. But I will look it up.
Aston Villa 1 Brentford 1 – Saturday 28 August2021
A weekend break in Birmingham and our first visit to Villa Park since 2016 when we drew 1–1 with them in the Championship, during Roberto di Matteo’s brief spell as their manager.
Konsa on the cover
As for the Brentford extended family – Villa manager Dean Smith and players Ollie Watkins and Ezri Konsa are all recent ex-Bees. Ollie even got applause from us when he came on. And when Ezri was down for a few minutes, singing bants with nearby Villa fans replaced the usual booing.
Lovely sunny afternoon
The stadium seems much nicer than last time. Maybe because it’s a sunny day in summer rather than a rainy night in autumn. Maybe it’s because our seats aren’t poked away in a corner. Maybe it’s because they gave the place a bit of a clean during lockdown.
The goals: Ivan Toney got his first Prem goal early on and the impressive Buendia equalised not long after. I thought we were lucky to hang on for the draw. We thank our lucky stars for super sweeper keeper David Raya. So, three games in and we’re tenth. Not bad at all.
Clouds with a Villa lining
The long walk back to the city centre started in the park right next to the stadium where we came across an architectural beauty.
Aston Hall
Birmingham’s rich industrial history is visible all around. I never realised just how canal central it is. And as for the city’s heavy metal heritage, look no further than the bench on Black Sabbath Bridge…
Brentford 0 Brighton 1 – Saturday 11 September 2021
Welcome back to Brentford Neal Maupay, albeit at a different ground to the one he left in 2019. He and his Brighton team-mates came out onto the pitch in an all-light blue/pale turquoise away kit. Nice.
Brighton’s manager these days is the respected Graham Potter. Notable members of his team include Welbeck, Dunks, Trossard and Cucurella, their new No.3 with the big hair who’s a good player but tricksy. The first half was scrappy, like a Championship game. Our fans were subdued. Theirs less so, much noisier than Arsenal’s.
Buzzing quietly
In the second half Brighton fell over often and the referee fell for it often. Most frustrating. Not like Brighton of old who used to play good football. Is this what it takes to stay up? For a long time Maupay was the exception, seeming to have cleaned up his act, at least for this game. He’s certainly a better player these days.
Stop thief!
In the 90th minute, the Seagulls swooped to conquer and Trossard scored. They grabbed the points like robbing chips from a child on a seaside promenade. Maupay couldn’t resist a little centre spot time wasting malarkey to prevent Brentford restarting briskly in the hope of a last gasp equaliser. Our first defeat in 16 Championship and Premier League matches.
Memory of this one best left inside the stadium
Wolves 0 Brentford 2 – Saturday 18 September 2021
Played a shambles of a gig at the Poly here in 1979. Next visit was 35 years later to watch the Bees in the Championship in 2014. I remember the ground was lovely but the scoreline that day wasn’t – Wolves won despite going down to 10 men. No sign of ex-Bee George Saville. After the game the small city centre was deserted in that dead zone between Christmas and New Year.
Ray from Corrie
This time it’s different. Both clubs are in the Premier League. Seems everyone in the throwback shopping centre is wearing Wulfrunian gold with black trim. We spotted Mark Frost, who played villain Ray Crosby in Coronation Street until February this year, sitting outside a café in the main square.
A place of worship
Molineux is a short walk from the city centre. On the way we trudged up Wulfruna Street, past St Peter’s Collegiate Church, a large 15th century church built of red sandstone in the Perpendicular style. Then down the other side to the stadium which was as lovely as we remembered. Good ambience, the many food stalls outside gave it a festival/market feel. Fans cool and friendly. Saw Corrie Crosby again.
Got to our seats just three rows back from pitch side when two guys who used to sit next to us at Griffin Park suddenly appeared in the seats bang in front of us. ‘We’re not stalking you!’ said one, and we had a nice old natter. The flame thrower display was impressive but being so near, the heat from the blasts was a bit much. The home fans joining in for ‘Heigh-ho WOLVERHAMPTON!’ was deafening.
Another place of worship – this time with a giant walkie-talkie
The first half was exciting. We scored four times, two of them rejected by VAR. Elation that we were 2–0 up at half time. The programme tells us Robert Plant is one of the club’s Vice Presidents. So, can I resist the temptation to say that Wolves’ players had suffered a Communication Breakdown? No, I can’t. By the way, Wolves’ matchday programme is one of the best I’ve seen. 100 pages of quality info and photos. And a fun two-page scratchcard quiz.
One of the best programmes around
In the second half, Baptiste got a silly second yellow. We felt for him. Down to 10 men, we were determined to hold on to our lead. Timewasting isn’t nice, but needs must. By the way, Mr Wolves Manager, Raya didn’t change his goalkeeping gloves to waste time – one of them got ripped after getting stuck on the crossbar.
Ivan Toney leads the lap of clapping
A flipped repeat of December 2014. But what a game. And what a result! We floated on cloud nine back to the main square for a sarnie at Alice’s Tea Rooms – a decent café run by a friendly Louis Theroux look-a-like.
The Bluebrick is a lovely pub near Wolverhampton railway station that itself was the main station until 1967. We had a pint there, strolled round to the new station then got the train home.
Brentford 7 Oldham 0 – Tuesday 21 September 2021 [EFL Cup aka Carabao Cup]
A midnight slip road in Oldham, 1978. Shivering in the rain trying to hitch a lift back to Leeds after Bowie at Bingley Hall and missing the Manchester train connection. I also recall that Oldham’s ground is nicknamed Ice Station Zebra and reputed to be the coldest in England. Combined recollections = bleak.
What a player he was
Before the game there was a minute’s applause for Jimmy Greaves, during which his face graced the big screen.
Oldham Athletic are fairly athletic, tidy and did try to play football. But they were no match for Brentford and sitting at the bottom of the fourth tier, their priorities probably lie elsewhere. Sad to think they were in the top division less than 30 years ago. Their fans were great though, at times louder than us. And their ‘Can we play you every week?’ chant at 2-0 down brought a smile to everyone’s face.
They also serve who sort the divots
Being 5–0 up at half time often signifies there’ll be no goals in the second half but there were two, both top notch, the last a thrilling bicycle kick from Wissa. 7–0 in a game where Forss forced in four. A bleak result for Oldham.
Brentford 3 Liverpool 3 – Saturday 25 September 2021
There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And Salah and Mané, Robertson and van Dijk. All of them in fact.
We’d been looking forward to this from the start, though as the week wore on it started to dawn on us – this is the Premier League proper, against one of the big four. A reality hit. But Brentford showed no fear. Liverpool’s defending seemed surprisingly unsteady, and Mo Salah strangely unlucky in front of goal. On the other hand, we played out of our skin, always in the game, in one of our best performances ever.
Getting stuck in
In the first half, we scored first, then they equalised. In the second half, they went ahead. Uh oh. But then we equalised. They went ahead again. We equalised again. The game flashed by, spellbinding and exhilarating. We’re still buzzing six days later.
Let’s get this party started…
Jurgen Klopp was a little stingy in his praise of Brentford’s achievement: ‘They’ll get a few more points, for sure, particularly here.’ For sure, he must’ve been disappointed not to win, and he may even be right. But that statement may well now adorn the noticeboard at Jersey Road.
…and may it never end
Not many sides get to put three past Liverpool. And it leaves Brentford ninth in the table, with nine points from six Prem games played. That’s going steady alright.
Thick and fast next month: Brentford take on West Ham, Chelsea, Leicester, Stoke and Burnley
The Tube train to the London Stadium for this 2pm Sunday kick-off was largely empty. A few fans of both clubs, a handful of London Marathon early finishers and their supporters. 150 Bees fans travelled by boat. It would’ve been 190 but the tide was out on the Thames.
Brunch with our Hammers-fan in-laws, then a stroll through the impressive approaches to the stadium. Inside the ground the gently curving stand sprawled away from the pitch at a shallow angle and up into the steel rafters in the top tier where we were. You need binoculars.
Another Brentford extended family affair, this time with Said Benrahma in the starting line-up for West Ham. We hoped his performance today would be as disappointing as the ‘We’re Forever Blowing Bubbles’ bubbles machine pre-match display. There was a minute’s applause for Roger Hunt… another childhood hero has passed away.
Programme cover
In the first half we had more possession, but it was still a massive surprise when Bryan Mbeumo scored on 20 minutes. The West Ham fans had been quiet, now they were even quieter. At half time we perused the West Ham match day programme, which like Wolves, is a good one with more facts than ads, and a fold-out junior quiz section with a poster of Aaron Cresswell on the back.
Somewhere down there Wissa’s just scored the winner
In the second half West Ham were much better, and the bubbles machine cranked back into action when Bowen scored on 80 minutes. The West Ham fans burst into a tumult of noise that cascaded on as they searched for the winner. There’s always one… a home fan took it upon himself to try baiting the entire away section. We gently scolded him with ‘School in the morning…’ He didn’t even seem to notice when Yoanne Wissa scored our winner in the 94th minute.
Olympic legacy
After the game we went for a stroll around, with a spring in the step after the unexpected win. It’s an interesting area, a mix of post-2012 rejuvenation and old school cool bohemian. We headed towards Bethnal Green, stopping off at a quiet old pub on the Old Ford Road. Then along Roman Road, which a couple of thousand years ago actually was a Roman road, connecting Londinium to Venta Icenorum, the capital of the Iceni tribe, up Norwich way.
Brentford 0 Chelsea 1–Saturday 16 October
Another west London derby was also taking place today, in the Championship, between Fulham and QPR. What some were calling El Crapico…
We received an email from Brentford before the game warning that the friendly old ‘Chelsea R**t Boys!’ bants chant wasn’t terribly woke and that anyone singing it could get thrown out of the ground. In the words of Morrissey before he went awol, ‘F-f-f-fair enough!’
It was Thomas Frank’s birthday a few days ago, and today he’s been Bees manager for three years. Amazing. There was an atmosphere of warmth in the stadium but a chill in the air at this 5.30pm kick-off. At some point in the just-ended international break summer turned belatedly to autumn.
A stirring ‘Hey Jude’, and Ivan Toney at last has his own song, to the tune of ‘Yes Sir, I Can Boogie’
Join together
In the first half Brentford were mostly dashing about chasing shadows, though we did get a couple of chances. Chelsea dominated with quick movement and accurate passing but strangely no shots on target. Could we hang on till half time? Nearly, but no. A good goal by Chilwell just before half time didn’t augur well for the second half.
But the second half went well for the Bees. It was exciting stuff. And in the last 20 minutes we threw everything at the Chelsea goal, including a couple of kitchen sinks.
This was the best I’d ever seen Brentford play. There was dignity in this defeat.
Brentford 1 Leicester City 2 –Saturday 23 October
It wasn’t buzzing in the Brentford Community Stadium as 2pm kick-off approached. The mood was apprehensive, as though an impending premiership reality check loomed after the happy haze of previous games. The only smiles were brought by the pre-match individual shots of the Brentford players on the big screen. They looked a touch fey, camp even.
Leicester were good, especially on the break. Fast and strong. Teilemans was the stand-out player throughout, especially his screamer on 14 minutes. The threat of Vardy never really materialised, indeed he was replaced at half time. More worryingly for us, so was Pinnock.
At 60 minutes, Zanka flicked in a headed equaliser from a corner via a Jensen cross. Then to our credit we pressed and pressed for the winner. It didn’t come, at least not for Brentford. Maddening Maddison scored following a brilliant pass from Tielemans to Daka.
Sometimes you lose while trying to win
It was a frustrating game for Brentford. As one fellow fan put it, sometimes you lose a game trying to win it – at least we tried. And nine games in, it’s won three, drawn three, lost three. Not bad for a bus stop in Hounslow.
Stoke City 1 Brentford 2 –Wednesday 27 October (EFL Cup)
Bad news before we set off – Raya injured his knee in the Leicester game and is likely to be out for five months. Eek!
We took the train to Stoke and before the game mooched around the Potteries Museum & Art Gallery in Hanley, then said hello to a statue of Stanley Matthews in the pedestrian precinct.
Sir Stanley of Hanley
A pre-match pint in Spoonies, then a walk to the ground along a ghostly canal, lit by lights planted on the path. There wasn’t another soul, which was weird. Eventually we were joined by throngs of fans for the final stretch from the canal up to the impressive frontage of the Bet 365 Stadium and another Stanley Matthews statue. This invoked all too vivid memories of a visit here in the Championship in 2018 and the trauma caused by a malfunctioning cubicle door lock…
Bees stinging Stoke
So where were the Stoke fans? Only 8,140 of them, plus 1,440 Bees fans, in a stadium that holds 30,000. Brentford settled quickly, outplayed Stoke and went 2–0 up with goals by Canos and Toney down the other end of the pitch. Excellent, we’d have a close-up view of all our second half goals. But Stoke got better, their fans got behind them and we got complacent. Silly defensive errors, giving the ball away, and missed chances. Stoke got a goal back courtesy of ex-Bee Romaine Sawyers.
Brentford fans started spending less time singing and more time nail biting. We did not want this to go to penalties. In the end we held on. The players’ tunnel was near the away end, just below us. We applauded our players, then Thomas Frank, then Romaine.
We followed the horde back towards the centre of Stoke. Their fans peeled off to their homes gradually, in ones and twos, and we were once again alone by the time we returned to a now almost-empty Spoonies. Next morning, we popped into the Potbank Heritage Centre. Well worth a visit. It’s on part of the site of the old Spode pottery complex that closed down in 2009. It seems Stoke has yet to fully recover.
Awaiting the regeneration game
On Saturday we’ll find out who we’ve got in the next round. We hope it’s Sunderland at home, and most certainly not Sunderland away.
Burnley 3 Brentford 1 –Saturday 30 October
A long drive to Burnley in the Friday rain, to the Premier Inn that used to be a factory of sorts. A Saturday morning walk along the Leeds–Liverpool canal that goes above the houses, overlooked by the moor that frames the town. A proper brekkie at Olivers. The people here are friendly.
The canal near the stadium
Turf Moor is a lovely ground in the east part of town. James Tarkowski’s the resident ex-Bee who’s grown into a central defender par excellence, though André Gray was here for a while too. Before kick-off there was silence while the Last Post was played at Burnley’s last home game before Remembrance Sunday.
As for the game? We got spanked by one of the bottom teams, who were 3–0 up by half time and certainly deserved their first win of the season. Maxwel Cornet looks a good signing for them.
The match day programme is called ‘Turf’. Fewer pages than most, but it’s pretty good, and includes an interesting away fan’s viewpoint. Throughout the game we were intrigued by circular mirror reflections moving across the pitch. Also noticed that the home and away players had separate tunnels at diagonally opposite corners of the ground. Not seen that before and not a bad idea in these times.
Too much action at the wrong end of the pitch
A sweet goal by Ghoddos on 79 minutes took a little of the edge off the embarrassment.
Only in Burnley… after the game we walked past a pub that’s been renamed the Royal Dyche. Later chatted with fellow Bees fans in the hotel bar, righting the wrongs. Next morning, the long drive back in the Sunday rain.
Next time…
Winning against Stoke means we will have eight games in December, one of which is Chelsea at home in the next round of the EFL Cup. But there are just three games in November, against Norwich, Newcastle and Everton. It’s fantastic following Brentford on this season’s journey, but it ain’t half costly, mum. Not the match tickets so much, but trains and hotels. No wonder so many die-hards get a fans’ coach or drive, and don’t stay the night before/after away games. And the admin’s quite an industry, planning and booking it all. Exciting too, though.
After three straight league defeats this was starting to feel like a must-win tussle against a side who haven’t won a single game all season.
Announcing the team…
The Last Post was well observed by all, except for one drunken Norwich fan, at what would be the last home game before Remembrance Sunday. The Norwich fans were first out of the blocks with the singing, easily out-performing the Brentford. The Norwich players were doing well on the pitch too, smelling blood as Brentford couldn’t get their act together.
…or is it a boy band?
When Normann scored for Norwich their fans let off a yellowy-green flare. People were complaining about the smell, but I quite liked it. Then Pukki scored, but no follow-up flare was forthcoming. Perhaps the fans hadn’t considered they’d get more than one goal. They settled instead for a rendition of ‘We’re winning away, we’re winning away. How s**t must you be…’
I wonder who came up with the idea…
Thomas Frank made some bold substitutions in an attempt to right the ship. Bold as in surprising, to some of the fans around us. Only Bryan Mbeumo appeared to be playing well. Rico got one back for us on 60 minutes and we looked good for a while. An equaliser seemed possible.
…that our lads should strike such curious poses
It was so disappointing. We really should’ve won at home to the bottom club, who up till now had lost seven and drawn two. Brave Thomas Frank still did his walk round the edge of pitch, applauding the fans. Many of the players did a shorter lap of appreciation, not much more than the edge of the centre circle.
Some Brentford fans with children were seated near the away fans section. A couple of them weren’t happy at the intimidating behaviour of some of the Norwich fans. Apparently it was much worse than the usual away fan banter.
To top it all, the Norwich manager, Daniel Farke, was sacked after the game despite winning. Harsh. He was soon replaced by ex-Brentford boss Dean Smith. And so it goes, round and round.
In the days that followed Brentford fans were taken to task on social media for not singing loud enough for long enough. Some are suggesting that outsiders have been applying to be club members in order to buy tickets to sell to away fans at a profit, thus diluting the proportion of true fans in the crowd. Whatever the truth of it, while we do need to be more consistently supportive when things aren’t going well, it can’t be the reason things are patchy on the pitch.
We’re singing a sad song at the moment, and the whole club needs to make it better (preferably by the end of the international break).
Newcastle United 3 Brentford 3 – Saturday 20 November
The full moon on the Tyne is mine all mine
We have fond memories of coming here when Newcastle were in the Championship, even though we lost. Is it really five years since we were last in The Home of Greggs?
The bridge in daylight
We were also excited at the prospect of our first game since the international break and return to a place we like, so we went up on the train the day before. We passed through Durham, which looks beautiful and unspoilt – must visit one day. Then the Angel of the North up on the hill just to the east. We had a lovely seafood meal at Big Mussels – they should have these everywhere.
A Tonka Toy of a swing bridge
The morning before the game, we walked across the curved angle of a bouncy footbridge over the river to Gateshead and west along the south bank of the Tyne footpath. Then back over the river on the high road bridge, my legs weak with vertigo.
You can see the Isle of Man from up here
More vertigo was experienced while climbing/crawling up to our seats. St James’s Park is lower on two sides to give light to some beautiful Georgian terraced houses right by the stadium. The very top of one of the high sides is where they put the away fans. Somewhere far, far below, the Bees are playing the Magpies. Meanwhile, up here, Bees fans are reminding Newcastle that Ivan Toney was once on their books – ‘He left cos you’re s**t!’, etc.
It was certainly an exciting game. Newcastle scored on 10 minutes and Ivan Toney equalised a minute later. Rico then put us in the lead on the half-hour, and Newcastle equalised shortly after.
When Newcastle fans cheer, they sure do cheer, a tumultuous roar from 50,000-odd Geordies whenever Newcastle went on the attack. Wonder if they ever heard us, a thousand or so Bees fans up in the gods, as anything more than a distant faint buzz, even though we sang our hearts out.
Jamie from Made in Chelsea on the cover of the programme
New manager Eddie Howe wasn’t present; he’s got Covid. But he was on the cover of the match day programme. At least, I think it was him. The programme’s away team section was interesting, as always. Spent most of half time looking at a picture of Kevin O’Connor that didn’t look like him. But who else could it be?
Is that really Kevin O’Connor?
The second half didn’t disappoint. Onyeka put us back in the lead on the hour mark but we knew it was far from over. On 75 minutes Newcastle equalised again and went all out for the winner. But we held on. We’re getting better at that.
Somewhere down there we’ve just earned a thrilling draw
After the game we met up with some Bees friends and went to the Trent Star pub nearby. Heaving with Newcastle fans it was. A few of them clocked our accents and turned round for a chat. Asking us about the game and the club. All very friendly and not a hint of bother.
Brentford 1 Everton 0 – Sunday 28 November
‘Tickets?’ was the one-word email sent by my Everton-supporting friend that was supposed to pass for a message of congratulation when Bees got promoted way back in sunny May.
Rafa Benitez didn’t pick Ivan Toney when both were at Newcastle Utd. We always do. Rafa’s now at injury-ravaged Everton. Bet he wishes he had an Ivan Toney there.
The bit at the start again
Our first home game in a while and boy was it cold. So cold Sergei’s barnet had turned a frosty snowman grey. Or maybe he’s been at the hair-dye again. Everton were wearing their home kit at an away fixture. Is that unusual?
Brentford started brightly, controlling the midfield, with Toney sometimes coming deep to help out more than usual. Indeed, we bossed the whole of the first half.
We got a VAR-assisted penalty on 24 minutes after Andros Townsend kicked Frank ‘the Tank’ Onyeka in the side of the head. We were all surprised that Townsend wasn’t booked, but after seeing it on telly later I reckon the ref got it right. I hate watching Ivan Toney take those two-step penalties. They always go in, though. He doesn’t look at the ball, or the goal. His eyes stay fixed on the goalie. He sent England’s No.1, Jordan Pickford, the wrong way.
The wags in the row behind proceeded to discuss the heights of various goalkeepers. Eventually I worked out that ‘T-Rex arms’ is Pickford. A little harsh.
Everton seemed sluggish and ordinary, apart from Dacouré. But in the second half they were much better and we were mostly pretty awful. Desperate clearances hoofed high and hopeful. We just couldn’t keep possession of the ball. But weirdly, the longer it went on, the less likely it looked that Everton would score, for all their domination and waves of attacks. For us it was more frustrating than fingernail-biting.
We’ve won!
But three points is three points and a clean sheet is a clean sheet. The victory came as a welcome respite from a winless run of five games in the league. There were some good Brentford performances, too, particularly from Alvaro ‘Woah-Oh!’ Fernandez and Charlie ‘E’s a’ Goode. And Wissa looked useful when he came on near the end. So good to see him back from his ankle injury.
‘Aaaaaaaargh!’ was the one-word email sent by my Everton-supporting friend later that evening.
Next time…
Nice to end the month on a high note. And nice that although we’ve lost a few games we haven’t been tonked yet, so the goal difference is OK. Now we need to gird our loins for a whole eight games in December – seven in the league and one in the EFL Cup. Merry Christmas everyone and Bee Happy!
Tottenham Hotspur 2 Brentford 0 – Thursday 2 December
‘Spurs fan?’ asked security outside the Blue Coats pub near the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. ‘No.’ But he let us in anyway. Inside it was loud and friendly, and the service well organised and super-efficient. The positivity and optimism of these fans confounded my abiding memory of the Spurs fan I worked with in the 1990s. He wore a replica shirt to work on every shift, and even when they won was oh so glum, ‘We’ll probably lose next week.’
Classy. If we can sparkle…
White Hart Lane has long been a distant memory of a couple of visits many years ago. This was my first time at the new stadium, and… it’s amazing. Big, bright, spacious. At most grounds, programme sellers are cash-only, even now. Here, they’re contactless-only.
Light show like something out of Close Encounters.
Waiting on the concourse involved playing our little game of managerial merry-go-round guess who’s the opposition manager this week. And of course, this evening it’s much-travelled heart-throb Antonio Conte. We also enjoyed a mega sausage roll and a pint or two. At our seats the pre-match light show was worthy of Glastonbury.
The stadium has a capacity of 62,850, including an away fan allocation of around 3,000. The attendance was 54,202. I wonder how many were Brentford. A glance at the match day programme; nice and glossy with a couple of almost-amusing caption errors under Sergi Canos’s photo.
My sheltered upbringing means I’ve never heard of the Spanish position, nor have I ever met someone whose nationality was Forward.
Tottenham cruised much of the game; they looked like they could’ve stepped up a gear had they needed to. Son Heung-Min was the stand-out player. So quick and skilful. He got an assist for Sergi Canos’s own goal on 12 minutes and scored one himself on 65 minutes. He also took all the corners, bouncing the ball like a tennis player before placing it on the corner quadrant.
It was a philosophical trudge that we made to Wood Green tube in the cold night air.
Leeds United 2 Brentford 2 – Saturday 4 December
We arrived in Leeds the night before the game, to be greeted by cold, wind and rain. Revisiting the Leeds side streets that we slipped down in our student days. Back streets and back alley pubs, some cash-only with no music, TV or wifi. Myriad Asian restaurants, many of them very good (we’ve been here before in the Championship).
We chatted about the game in prospect as we walked along the River Aire and through the railway station hinterland, then followed the hordes down to Holbeck and across the motorway footbridge to Elland Road.
Ex-Bees Stuart Dallas and Adam Forshaw are here. The popular Toumani Diagouraga, aka ‘Toums’, or even ‘Dave’ to some, left Brentford for Leeds in 2016, and is now at Morecombe. And of course our very own Pontus Janson came to Brentford from Leeds. The club have recovered well from the dark days of 2007/10 when they were down and nearly out in League 1.
The pre-match entertainment didn’t dampen our spirits.
Triangle man is sitting in front of us, blowing up red balloons and launching them above the frozen breath of the crowd. At home games he rings a triangle whenever Brentford get a corner. Been doing it for years and was one of the first Bees fans we ever met. On six minutes there was applause for Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, the child abused and killed by his father and his father’s partner who have just been sentenced. So sad and really puts things in perspective.
The match day programme is the smallest I’ve seen, but not in a bad way – it’s more pocket friendly in size. Each of the articles in the early section (the important ones that don’t usually tell you much) are signed off ‘Marching on together’, which seems to be a common theme in the signage.
On the pitch though, Leeds were marching decidedly out of step. They scored first, then we got two. As we reminded them to the tune of “Love Will Tear Us Apart”, ‘Leeds, Leeds are falling apart, again.’
‘Scoreboard, scoreboard, tell us the score!’
We were playing much better than in the previous few games. But Leeds nicked an equaliser in 90+5. From a corner at which Alvaro looked dazed and unsteady following a collision. Didn’t that happen at Spurs, too? The ground has a capacity of nearly 38,000. The attendance was 35,639. Some Leeds fans were chanting that we hadn’t sold all of our allocation.
Leeds were happy to save it at the end. We were disappointed but OK with the result. As we left the ground and into the dark streets, some Leeds fans were growling abuse at anyone in Bees colours, including youngsters. We later read that objects had been thrown at Sergi Canos and Bryan Mbeumo. This is certainly not Newcastle.
Brentford 2 Watford 1 – Friday 10 December
We usually do well on a Friday. On the way to the ground we span the wheel of managerial merry-go-round guess who’s the opposition manager – it’s Claudio Ranieri! Stand out players are Cleverley and Sissoko. Tinkerman meets Little and Large?
As usual, the cardboard portal to Premier League survival was assembled before the start of the game. Five minutes later it was dismantled.
Watford were in yellow shirts with thin black hoops. All the players took the knee and the fans applauded. We started well. Lots of possession. Winning the ball back well in midfield. Janelt safe and steady playing at left centreback. ‘He comes from Germany…’
Then Watford scored. A recurring nightmare as yellow flare smoke came wafting along the stand from the away section and our play became disjointed. Just like the Norwich game. Triangle man responded by blowing up red balloons again and punching them into the cold night air.
Watford goalie trying to put Bryan off by the penalty spot.
We got two late on to win the game. A Pontus header on 84. A Bryan penalty on 90+5. Watford were stunned, Hornets stung by Bees.
Brentford v Manchester United – Tuesday 14 December
There could be no better time to play United, a club in transition following the sacking of Solskjaer, and the immediate departure of caretaker Michael Carrick after his final game. Rangnick’s got his work cut out with an unsettled squad.
We’ve even done the Covid vaccination pass stuff. But no, the game was postponed due to cases of Covid in the United camp. B***er. Surprised to learn that top-level players at some clubs haven’t been vaccinated. Whatever the rights and wrongs, you’d have thought the big clubs would have insisted on it, when they control so much else of their players’ lives.
Southampton v Brentford – Saturday 18 December
Postponed, this time because of cases of Covid in the Brentford camp. Thomas Frank is among those calling for all games to be called off until the situation is resolved. That won’t happen.
Brentford 0 Chelsea 2 (EFL Cup Quarter Final) – Tuesday 21 December
A 7.45pm kick-off, and we arrived earlier than usual for the Covid pass checks now being introduced at all grounds. Some fans were even wearing masks, which may explain why the singing was a bit muted.
Brentford were inflicted with an unfair yellow on 11 minutes which left many bemoaning the favour referees appear to give the elite clubs. I’m not sure how true that is, but it certainly set the tone for subsequent decisions.
Chelsea dominated possession in the first half with their lovely, precise passing. But we had the best chances. Half-time entertainment came in the form of the Brentford subs (probably unwittingly) skipping and high-kicking in time to Wham’s “Last Christmas”.
‘Come on you Bees!’
In the second half Chelsea turned up the heat and brought on Jorginho and Pulisic. Ghoddos came on for Henry on 73 minutes, a decision that mystified some fellow-fans. On 74 minutes the ball was cleared, looping out of play and down into the stairway exit near our section of the North Stand. We cheered as though we’d scored. Not long after, Chelsea brought on the biggest gun, N’Golo Kanté, who immediately controlled the midfield. Ominous. His pass to Reece James led to goalmouth confusion and Pontus own-goaled. Five minutes later we conceded a soft penalty.
Chelsea players applaud their fans. Thomas Frank applauds ours.
We played well but Chelsea deserved to win. Roll on the old cliché about concentrating on the league and isn’t the FA Cup a bigger deal anyway?
Brighton 2 Brentford 0 – Sunday 26 December
The first of the return fixtures. An 8.00 pm kick-off on a Boxing Day Sunday with no trains running and several other games postponed because of Covid. Brentford fans met the travel challenge admirably, in our case by driving down the day before in unending rain and through many partially flooded roads.
A storm was brewing at Brighton.
A walk to the sea at Rottingdean during a lull in the drizzle and later a ride on a bus full of Brighton fans to the ground. Its capacity is 30,666 and the gate was 30,141, though many of them must’ve arrived late because the place looked half empty in the first half.
Couldn’t find a programme seller so I ordered one online the next day. It’s pretty good, with an interesting section on Brentford. There’s also a pull-out section-cum-poster on Brighton player Tariq Lamptey. We know manager Graham Potter from his time at Swansea in the Championship. Seems a decent fellow.
Sometimes it felt like we were tilting at windmills like this one on the South Downs.
A more thorough Covid pass check but still no attempt at verification. More masks being worn. A pie and a pint on the concourse. We like the ground and its cushioned seats but there was no sitting down today. After a bright start by Brentford, Trossard scored for Brighton on the counter. Then ex-Bee Neal Maupay got their second with a wonder strike.
Bees warming up.
It didn’t take Brighton’s fans long to take our ‘Hey Sergi Canos, ooh, ah! I wanna know, how d’ya score that goal!’ song and adapt it to Neal Maupay. A double stab to the heart. The top deck of the bus back to the hotel rang with choruses of ‘Albion! Albion!’
Seagulls entering the portal of imminent victory before the game.
Brighton are the first and probably won’t be the last team to do the double over us this season. They’ve had a bad run of results recently and it wouldn’t surprise me if we were the last team they beat, way back in September.
In the days after this game there was unease on social media about whether our performance suffered because of injuries, tiredness or style of play. We side with those who say this affects most clubs outside the big four, so get behind the team and enjoy this special time come what may.
Brentford 0 Manchester City 1 – Wednesday 29 December
All a bit weird, two days before the game the Premier League announced a record 103 new cases of Covid-19 among Premier League clubs’ staff and players during the previous week. But most games are going ahead nevertheless. The club was doing a more thorough inspection of Covid passes than previously, so much so that mine was rejected and it took some persuading that it was indeed not out of date.
Man City practising before the game. But they don’t really need to.
An 8.15pm kick-off because it was being shown on Amazon. The camera operator scuttled away from the centre spot and only just made it to the touchline before kick-off. What’s that all about?
City played in light blue. It was a nice change for an away team to play in a strip other than yellow, especially when Brentford’s away kit is also yellow. Whatever happened to that lovely away kit from last season (or maybe the one before) – dark grey with orange/red socks?
The game? Oh, yeah. Well we were brilliant. One of the best performances I’ve seen from Brentford, though I am starting to think there’s a grain of truth in the referees never book stars allegation. Champions and table toppers City got away with a good few bits of naughtiness.
City’s goal came from a De Bruyne pass that was so perfect you hardly noticed Foden guide it into the net.
Well that was some game!
Next time…
Well, that was some sleigh ride together for two, too. And we go again on Sunday with the second of the return fixtures, at home to Villa. Mercifully, there are just three league games and one FA Cup game in January, unless the Premier League decides to shoe-horn in some rearranged fixtures.
Stop press, the Premier League has just decided to shoe-horn in the postponed game at Southampton a few days after Port Vale.
Words and spaces, sounds and places 